


Curves and Edges

by ChElFi



Series: I'm 95, I'm Not Dead [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-02-28 14:06:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2735399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria Hill never allows her heart to lead, because doing so leads to foolish decisions, such as letting a certain super-soldier get under her skin. These sorts of decisions are always disastrous mistakes, and this time is no exception. Prequel to Too Busy, et. al. But you don't have to read those first. Rated T for language, violence, and smooching. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is a prequel to Too Busy, going back to how Steve and Maria, in this particular version of them, got to know each other and started dating. For the time being it is rated T, not sure if it will change to an M rating towards the end, but if you read Too Busy you will understand why. Stories are MCU compliant, until the next movie comes out and ruins it all. ;D
> 
> This story started out as too many of my stories seem to, as a short one. I had planned one chapter for Steve's thoughts, and one for Maria's thoughts, but they just kept on thinking and the first chapter ended up at about 7500 words. After I edit it, I expect that length will increase. I have broken it up into somewhat bite-sized pieces because, at least for some of the sections, that's just where the story broke the easiest. The first several chapters will be Steve's POV and occur in one 24-hr period, the second part of the story will be from Maria's POV and will tell the rest of the story over the following six months. I normally split up stories like this into two separate ones, but it would kill the continuity, I think, if I did it for this one.
> 
> Title is from "All of Me" by John Legend. This is the song that most of all makes me think of Steve's feelings for Maria. :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this. Please R&R.

 

Steve had gone looking for the commander and now he wondered if that had been such a good idea. He found her inside an empty office on one of the the upper levels of the Triskelion. The late afternoon sun was behind the building but afforded enough light to reveal to Steve how Hill's stiff countenance conformed to the straight lines of the empty room as she stared out across the Potomac. He'd seen her come here before, though he was certain she had no idea of his knowledge of her movements. Now he wondered if it had been prudent to interrupt her solitude for no better reason than today he was impatient to get out of the office and needed to hand her his report before he left.

The op he'd been on had gone horribly wrong. Steve knew without a doubt that if not for his presence, not one of the operatives would have made it out alive. As it was they had lost three, an extra-ordinary amount for a peace-time excursion in his opinion. He hadn't been expecting it at all, and the woman before him now was the reason for his confidence.

Maria Hill, deputy director of SHIELD, and Nick Fury's right hand, was meticulous about her intel. Every op he had worked under her was perfectly timed, and there had never been any room for error. She was a perfectionist who painstakingly sifted through every piece of data as she formed a coherent picture of what they could expect. While each op he was sent on was serious, Steve knew that the ones Maria planned and oversaw were as important as any Fury ever sent him on, and usually far less questionable.

"Do you need something, Captain?" she asked without turning away from the window.

Steve swallowed down his sudden nerves.

"Yes, ma'am, I'm sorry to intrude, but I wanted to hand you my report before I left," he said.

She slowly turned to him and when she did he saw the barest smile on her face. It changed everything about her. She was always beautiful, a fella would have to be blind not to see it, Steve thought, but this slight, almost imperceptible, upturn of her lips, softened all the usually hard features, causing her look as if she could be the model for an ancient Greek sculptor.

Lieutenant Hill held out her hand for the report and cocked an inquisitive eyebrow at him. Steve realized he should have already had the file out for her, instead he had been caught staring. He blushed slightly as he handed over the manila file folder that contained his report. The commander surprised him by opening it and beginning to read immediately. Under normal circumstances she would accept it or direct him to leave it on her desk before she returned to the work on her computer or spoke on the phone, hardly giving him a glance, then wave him off.

Steve waited and studied her while she read. He could see when she reached his recounting the first death. It was a subtle change, another person might not have seen it; a minor shift in her stance; the way she swallowed slowly as her throat constricted; the quick triple blink of her eyes as if she was trying to blink out a piece of dust; the one slow breath she took before she continued on to the rest of the report. When she finished her reading she looked up at him.

"Very good, Captain," she said. "Thank you for being so timely in these matters. Have a good evening."

Her face had regained its normal hard edges as she nodded curtly to him. He supposed it was more than he deserved after he'd interrupted her in her solitude.

He took the lift down to the locker room where he found Rumlow and a few of the others dressing and discussing plans for a night of hitting the local bars and clubs to drink off the op. He thanked them but declined their offer to join them as he explained he had already made plans for this evening long before the op. It was certainly true, though he felt his chest tighten at the thought that the person with whom he had made the "plans" wouldn't truly notice that he wasn't there. It would make no never mind to her if he visited this night or the next. It would be all the same. He took a deep breath as he shoved his coat into his duffle bag and mentally prepared himself for another conversation with Peggy. Damn, Alzheimer's was a bitch, as the modern phrase went.

Steve pulled himself from his reverie at the mention of Commander Hill.

"Damn, did you see her?" One of the men asked.

"That woman has no feelings; I swear, if you shot her dog right in front of her she wouldn't flinch." Another chimed.

"I heard her dog ran away from her because she was so fucking cold." Someone else said and the men shared a laugh.

Steve stared at them for a moment and weighed the situation. He knew the men felt justified "letting off steam" in this manner, and over the year since he'd signed on with SHIELD he'd heard all the stories and snide remarks about Hill; "Ice Queen," "Agent Chill," to name a few. He'd stopped people from speaking poorly of the superior officers often enough that it was rare for anyone to speak so brashly about Hill or Fury or any of the others in such a manner in his presence.

"I don't think this is an appropriate conversation,  _gentlemen_." He used the term sarcastically and hoped they understood exactly what he was saying.

"Come on, Cap." Rumlow groused. "We lost three good men and the bitch didn't even act as if she noticed, let alone gave a damn. If I was the conspiratorial type, I'd say she…"

But Rumlow never got the chance to share his full thought. Steve took a guess at what the man was about to say and before Rumlow could get the words out, Steve threw him up against the lockers and pinned him there, elbow pressed against Rumlow's throat.

"What the hell, Rogers?" A few of the men yelled.

"If I hear anything even remotely close to what you were about to say, I will come for you personally, got it?" Steve growled, his face only far enough away from Rumlow's to see his eyes and ensure the man truly understood him.

When Rumlow hesitated, Steve pressed his elbow a little harder against the man's Adam's apple and Rumlow let out a small, strangled noise before he finally nodded his consent. Steve dropped him and glared for a moment before turning his hard gaze to the others until he had stared down each of them. Then he grabbed up his bag, slammed his locker door and headed out of the room.

Steve returned to the lift and, when he entered, hit the button for the parking garage more forcefully than necessary. While he understood the frustration and anger when a fellow soldier fell in battle, he wondered if the men wouldn't have reacted differently if anyone other than Hill had been in charge.

The doors slid open and Steve walked to his motorbike, taking deep breaths of stale air as he did so. It wouldn't do to show up at Peggy's this angry. He stowed his bag when he reached the bike and threw his leg over the seat. He was about to key the engine when he glanced over to Hill's parking space. He was surprised to see her already in her car and apparently leaving for the day. Hill was a notorious workaholic who rarely left the office before dinner.

She was looking down; from the light glowing on her face, he presumed she was staring at her phone or iPad. She didn't notice him at all. After a moment, she set her device aside and leaned forward to start her car. Steve could clearly see her face in the bright florescent light and for a brief few seconds he had a glimpse of her emotions, so deep and raw he thought she would surely break down. Instead she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes again, the look was gone and she appeared the part which everyone had stereotyped her. Hill put her car into gear and pulled out of the parking space. She drove away, the opposite direction from where he sat motionless on the bike. He hoped she had remained unaware of his presence. He'd hate to have her realize he'd intruded on her privacy twice this day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a conversation with an old friend, Steve makes a decision that will change his future, whether for good or ill, he had forgotten to assess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I believe I neglected to establish a timeline when I posted the first chapter. This story begins a little more than a year after The Avengers. I think that's about all the excitement. :)
> 
> Please R&R.

The D.C. streets were filled with the normal rush-hour crowd. Riding the motorbike made it slightly easier for Steve, however, and he made it to Peggy's on time for dinner. She greeted him with her usual surprise, that he was alive, that he'd come back to her, with no recollection that she had seen him only a week ago. Steve tried not to let it affect him too deeply. He knew that after a few moments she would settle down and they would be able to talk. Then, half-way through dinner, they would restart the entire conversation as if he hadn't just been sitting down with her for the previous hour. Still, it was somewhat of a comfort to talk with her, to recall the old days, and to have someone with whom he could honestly and openly share.

He spoke briefly about the op as they ate. When he mentioned Lieutenant Hill, Peggy looked as if she was trying to remember something.

"Maria, correct?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, surprised she could recollect something from such recent history. Peggy had a difficult time with recent recall, though her memory of older things seemed mostly intact.

"So she's Deputy Director now?" She smiled at that, a glint in her eye made Steve think there was a joke only she understood, then she sighed. "Doesn't surprise me a bit."

"Really? You remember her?" he asked.

"One does not soon forget an agent with so much potential and the willingness to use it." She told Steve.

"She was that good, huh?" He smiled, and he could well imagine. He didn't have much respect for the upper echelons of SHIELD power. Often it seemed as if the majority were operating with their own independent agenda. But Hill had always impressed him. She was a person who was willing to question the power and to stand against it if needed. He knew if it wasn't for her intelligence and her competence, she would not have made it as far as she had. He also knew the rumors didn't word it that way.

"She is definitely destined for greatness in SHIELD," Peggy said with obvious admiration. "I won't be surprised if she is Director someday. Speaking of which, is she still standing up the old man?"

By "old man," Steve knew Peggy meant Fury so he nodded his head. Peggy chuckled.

"She always knew how to make her opinion known," Peggy said. "Never rude or insubordinate, but she knew how to do it in such a way as to make herself invaluable."

Peggy got a faraway look in her eyes and Steve waited to see if anything came of it. Sometimes she'd share a story but other times the look would fade, and their conversation would start over from the beginning. He truly hoped tonight that it was the former. She didn't disappoint.

"There was an incident about a year before I stopped reading reports, so, a few years after I retired," she said. "I don't know how long ago that was now."

She paused and the look returned before she looked over at him and continued.

"Agent Hill was leading an op, I can't recall where they were now, but she was on the ground and some damned fellow, Coulson, I believe his name was, yes, Coulson, I think she had a soft spot for him." Peggy smiled. "He got himself into a tight place but the team was ordered back. Too much heavy fire."

She paused and thought again for a while, this time with a wide grin on her face.

"She sent her team back and went in for her friend," Peggy said. "I can't remember who was in command at that time, maybe Fury, I can't say for sure, but I do recall that whomever it was told her she'd better get her ass back to her transport or she'd face court-martial if she made it back alive."

Now Peggy laughed, apparently whatever came next was extremely funny. Steve found, as always, that her laughter was contagious and smiled widely.

"You need to laugh more, you know," she said. "It's not good to go moping about the way you do."

Steve was sorry for the interruption, it was usually difficult for Peggy to get her train of thought back, and tonight was no different. He ventured a question about the story, just in case it would help.

"What did Hill tell him?" he asked.

Peggy was smiling at him now, a wistful look on her face, and Steve knew that in minutes she wouldn't recall he'd even been here this evening. He tried to school his face, the way so many of the agents at SHIELD could, the way Peggy had always been able to do, but she still caught it.

"It's really not that bad a life, Steve," she said. "You need to smile for real sometimes, not just to hide your pain and make those around you more comfortable."

Steve swallowed down his emotion and decided that was enough for the night. It had been a good one. The conversation had continued unabated by her sickness until now and he thought that would be a good place to end it. He stood and said his goodnights, then kissed her gently. She was still smiling at him as he left.

Steve rode his motorbike out of the city to a usually uninhabited spot along the Potomac and stared out across the dark, flowing waters. He always needed time to sort through his thoughts after his visits with Peggy. Because after the visits he always wrestled with the question of why he had lived through the crash of the Valkyrie. It was more than the age old question of "Why am I here?" He didn't question his birth; he questioned his arrival in the 21st Century. Most days, he didn't understand the point of it all.

He drew a deep breath and let it out slowly, as he came to the same conclusion he always had: It was a pointless question. When it came down to it, the "why" didn't matter. He was here, and he had to make due, even if he never found his place. Another deep breath and he gunned the engine and began his ride to the apartment.

As he rode, he thought of his conversation with Peggy and wondered what it was that Lieutenant Hill had done or said that had so amused the older woman. Steve was certain he'd never get it out of Hill. He'd worked with her several times but that had not caused the two to grow any closer. He knew that was his fault as much as hers. She might be cold and stand-offish, but he wasn't truly making an effort, beyond general niceties, to get to know anyone at SHIELD. He knew Romanoff and Barton, but they were both guarded about themselves. Though they had been in battle together, he hadn't found the camaraderie with them, or anyone else, he'd had with The Howling Commandos, and he certainly had never met anyone like Peggy. Commander Hill, however, did interest him enough that he took his time to observe her whenever he had the opportunity.

It hadn't always been that way. At the beginning, he viewed Hill the same as he did all the others at SHIELD. After the battle in New York against the Chitauri, Steve had visited Peggy, then he had taken a cross-country trip and visited places he'd only heard and read about before the war, long before the serum. Fury made Hill Steve's contact and persuaded him to call in once a week. Hill, to her credit, never insinuated he should sign on with SHIELD. She simply would ask Steve if he needed anything and thank him for checking in. Steve had the feeling his check-ins were a major annoyance and inconvenience to her. He considered telling her he wouldn't bother her anymore if it was such a problem.

Before he had a chance to do so, he stopped in to see Tony and Pepper when he arrived in California. Tony's friend, Colonel Rhodes, was over for dinner one night during Steve's visit and the two fell into talking after Pepper had retired for the evening and Tony, declaring military talk dull, had escaped to his lab in the basement. Finally, Rhodes asked if Steve intended to sign on with SHIELD, which had eventually led to a discussion of his weekly call-ins and Deputy Director Maria Hill.

_"Most people are pretty stupid when it comes to Hill," Rhodes told him with a smile and a wink. Steve wasn't sure what the man was insinuating at first._

_"The woman is a looker." Rhodes continued. "Throws all the men off-guard until they get to know what she's really capable of. Then they get terrified, which in turn makes them pretty pissed. It does something to a man's ego to realize a female can probably kick his ass without breaking a sweat."_

_Steve laughed. Peggy laying out Hodge on the first day of basic training as if it was all part of her routine flashed through his mind. It had made him laugh then, as well._

_"You'll probably hear a lot of shit about Hill if you sign on with SHIELD," the man continued. "If it isn't said in fear and awe, it's probably garbage."_

After that, Steve viewed his calls to Hill very differently. Nothing in their conversations changed, she was still as short and gruff as ever, but Steve realized it probably had more to do with the fact that a woman in her position shouldn't have to be nursemaid to an out of time super-soldier. If the places were switched, he would probably have taken issue himself.

In the end, he'd signed on with SHIELD because of Peggy. Even though she wasn't there, she and Howard and the colonel had started the organization and he felt compelled to continue their work. He saw Hill rather infrequently as she was usually in New York or on the hellicarrier. But when he did see her, he was always impressed with her efficiency and intelligence.

Keeping Colonel Rhodes words in mind, he'd watch the deputy director and the people who worked with her, whenever he had the opportunity. He had figured out fairly quick that most people at SHIELD despised the woman at some level, but it seemed obvious to him that their dislike stemmed from personal problems. Hill was difficult to work for if you didn't have the attention to detail she felt the job demanded, or if you didn't have a strong work ethic. Complaining about anything was a sure way to get you on her bad side, as was shirking your duties.

Her obsessive need to have everything in its place was so legendary that it seemed to him there was a running joke with turning her pencils and pens or un-straightening her stack of papers if she wasn't around to see who the offender was. Steve observed her the first few times it had happened just to see her reaction, to see if she was truly as petty as the people who did that were obviously trying to prove. She would simply return things to the order in which she preferred them. The lieutenant never made a comment or attempted to learn who'd been trying to play her. After he determined that, Steve would wait for someone to do it then follow after them and fix it before she had to see it, leveling a glare at the culprit if they'd stuck around.

Except for keeping long hours, Steve really could never fault her with anything. She was, in his opinion, an impeccable leader and there were days he regretted not requesting to be stationed in New York. Maybe he wouldn't feel as frustrated with SHIELD as he did if he was working with Hill. Fury might have been less frustrated as well. Fury'd told Steve enough times, "I've already heard this complaint from Hill," to know that he and the commander had similar thoughts about things that were going on at SHIELD.

He pulled his motorbike up to the curb outside the apartment building and looked up at the darkened windows of the place he was supposed to call 'home.' Another night alone, staring at the ceiling, he thought. Steve considered all the times he'd wished Bucky was here, how deeply he missed all his friends, but most of all his best friend. Peggy's words about Hill floated through his mind.

_"Coulson, I think she had a soft spot for him."_

It wasn't quite a year since Loki had killed Coulson. Steve thought back to the funeral. He didn't recall seeing any unusual emotion from Hill, or any emotion at all. But he'd observed her now for nearly a year and he knew she wasn't as heartless as others at SHIELD would like to believe and that it would have been easy for her to mask any pain she felt over the man's death. Steve wasn't sure if the two had been lovers, as Peggy might have been intimating, or only friends, but he knew Hill certainly cared enough for the man to buck orders and face court-martial to rescue him, alone. That was a feeling with which Steve could certainly relate. He wondered now if Hill and Coulson went out for drinks after ops like this when the man was alive. He wondered if Coulson had the ability to make Hill's lips turn up into more than just a slight smile. Steve wondered what that smile would do to him if he was permitted to see it, because the small one earlier had nearly left him dumb-struck.

He chuckled and shook his head at his thoughts. Damn, if he didn't have a type. Steve looked back at the windows of the apartment as an idea took shape and solidified in his mind. He restarted the engine and pulled away. It wasn't until later, as he stood in the foyer of Hill's apartment building and stared at the comm box and the button beside her name, that he realized his idea might very well get him shot.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve learned long ago how to talk to a woman, but something about the strong, capable, independent Deputy Director Maria Hill has him flummoxed. Or, maybe, it's just because when she smiles his heart stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: OK, chapter three for you all. It's much longer than the other two because I couldn't find a spot I felt comfortable to break the story. Last chapter from Steve's POV, that's the plan at this point. There is one future chapter I might add because I would like to hear Steve's POV on it. :D
> 
> The next part of the story has ended up considerably longer than three chapters; partly because I re-read Too Busy and realized I had to add a scene in order to preserve continuity.
> 
> I think that's all.
> 
> Please R&R, and have a Merry Christmas.

"Steve Rogers." Steve repeated his name, when Hill didn't respond for several seconds after he said it the first time, and shifted the bottle of whiskey to tuck it under his other arm.

He rubbed his free hand across his face as he second-guessed his decision to come here tonight. He was crossing a personal boundary she assuredly didn't want anyone to cross. The fallout for his work at SHIELD could be serious.

"Captain Rogers," he said, quietly so if anyone was nearby they wouldn't hear him and realize who he was.

"Yeah, yeah, I know who you are," she said.

There was more silence and Steve almost turned and left, but then he heard a buzzing noise and the door clicked open. He grabbed the whiskey bottle in his hand and bounded up the stairs to the third floor before she had time to change her mine. He knocked on her door with the hand that held the whiskey. His other hand held a six-pack of bottled beer he'd recently discovered that reminded him of one he'd had in England during the war, part of a secret stash Colonel Philips kept in his office.

When the lieutenant opened the door, her face had a challenge on it. No words were needed to tell him why she thought he was there, and how dare he come to her apartment to question her about her decisions. To his relief, the look quickly changed to surprise, then to a question as she saw what was in his hands. Her mouth opened slightly, as if she might ask, and when she looked up at him, Steve saw the confusion in her eyes and was glad he had made this call.

"I didn't know how well stocked you were so I thought I'd make a delivery." Steve smiled as he held up the contents of his hands, as though she hadn't already seen.

Perhaps she wanted him there, or perhaps it was merely ingrained courtesy, but Hill stepped back and held the door open for him to enter. Steve tried not to feel self-conscious as he stepped over the threshold, effectively invading her privacy for the third time today. Third time is a charm, he thought, and hoped it was.

Hill shut and locked the door, then walked through the living room. Steve followed her as she led him into the kitchen. Her movements here were more lithe than he'd seen. Her appearance forced him to adjust his thoughts about her, as well. He'd never seen her with her hair down, or out of her uniform. Her brown hair fell in waves to frame her face and she wore an oversized grey t-shirt with black sweatpants. Her feet were bare. Steve had a feeling hardly anyone else had ever seen her like this. But she didn't seem nervous or cautious so he tried to relax. She reached for a glass in the cabinet over the sink and turned around and handed it to him, trading it for the beer.

They returned to the living room and Hill waved him wordlessly to take a seat on the sofa. He rested the whiskey on the coffee table, next to a bottle of bourbon and Hill's empty glass, then sat down. Steve considered how different a person she must be outside the office, one that smiled and laughed, one that had possibly loved Phil Coulson.

"Bourbon girl," he stated.

"Yes," she said

"I didn't know," he said, and gestured at the whiskey, an apology on his face.

"And thank g-d for that," she said.

He cocked an eyebrow and opened his mouth to ask what she meant.

"I might have truly thought you were stalking me if you had," she said.

He chuckled and shook his head.

"Stalking's really not my style," he told her.

"No, but you are observant," she said, then leaned forward to take one of the bottles of beer and examine it closely.

"It really is alcohol," he said, trying to lighten what had quickly become awkward.

She turned to him and quirked an eyebrow above a withering look. Steve almost thought she'd ask him to leave, instead she handed him the bottle and asked him to open it.

"I don't have a bottle opener," she confessed. "Most bottles are twist off anymore."

He nodded as he handed the now open bottle back to her. He took one for himself and they both leaned back into the sofa and there was a moment of awkward silence.

"So why are you really here, Rogers?" Maria finally asked.

He looked over at her and found himself wishing for that slight smile he'd seen at the Triskelion earlier. As it was he felt he was about to be interrogated.

"I wanted to drink, but I didn't want to drink alone," he said. Which was mostly true, or at least somewhat true. Well, it wasn't an outright lie, he thought.

Hill didn't seem convinced but he covered his moment of doubt with another swallow of his drink.

"I'm sure your team is out on the town drinking it off," she said, shaking her head. "You can't tell me they didn't ask you along, Captain."

Steve felt his face grow warm. He wasn't sure how to answer that and felt as if he'd already talked himself into a corner. He took another drink, though he knew it would do nothing for him.

"Well, I had plans earlier, when they were leaving," he started to say. He stopped. Steve knew that wouldn't do, he didn't want to talk with her about Peggy. But he wasn't very keen on telling her why he'd come to her.

He glanced over, expecting to find the lieutenant amused, but she was only watching him, weighing his reaction. Maybe testing him to see if he'd lie to her. Steve turned to face her and decided to be as honest as possible without mentioning the altercation with Rumlow, or his conversation with Peggy.

"I really didn't think I'd enjoy their company," he said and, as soon as he did, he realized his words could be interpreted two ways. Hill did as well, if her raised eyebrows meant what he thought.

But she didn't call him on it, she only shook her head and took another drink.

"You have strange taste in acquaintances," she told him.

"They aren't exactly acquaintances," he replied.

"I wasn't talking about them," she said.

Steve turned back to his drink. He hadn't really thought about how awkward this was going to be.

_"You have no idea how to talk to a woman, do you?" Peggy's voice played in his head._

Peggy had given him an out, a reprieve, in the midst of him tripping over his tongue. Hill wasn't the type to do the same, it seemed. Steve was on his own. In his mind he started a hundred different sentences, but none of them became a complete thought.

"Look, I don't know how to explain why I came over without making this even more awkward," he said. "But I'm not here to hit on you, or take advantage of you."

He stopped and looked back up at her. She was watching him as she would a prisoner who was giving her a lame excuse for his actions.

"I got home and, well, no one's ever there," he said. "I guess I just wondered if you had anyone."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Steve tried to backtrack.

"I mean, not in a romantic sense," he said quickly. "I mean, just a friend who would come over and bring drinks or take you out to have a drink. Does that make sense?"

She furrowed her eyebrows and nodded slowly. Steve thought that was a good sign and relaxed.

"I still think you have strange tastes," she said, and her lips quirked up just slightly more than he had seen earlier at the Triskelion. Steve's heart beat a little faster at the sight.

After the initial interrogation, Steve thought things would be silent and even more awkward, but the lieutenant was apparently a very talkative drunk. He supposed that was why she was here, in her apartment, drinking. He should feel more nervous than he did about how she would react when it was over and she was sober.

Between conversations the two worked at finishing off the beer, and started on the bourbon. Steve noted the label intending to bring her a replacement, and while the alcohol couldn't do much to his system, the thought of a chance to maybe spend time with her in the future warmed him.

She asked him about some of the differences since he woke and told him he really needed to get to Europe for something besides an op when he confessed he really only did his work and returned home when overseas.

"Or, if that's too much, you should maybe see Asia or Africa," she said.

Steve looked at her in surprise. Aside from the psychiatrist they had Steve see at the beginning of is so-called reintegration, no one had acknowledged that the changes would be more than he wanted to handle. He had suspected that as Captain America, most expected him to be able to handle anything.

He was emboldened to ask her about her travels for work, but they both avoided personal questions. Steve really didn't want to have that sort of conversation and he was fairly certain Hill felt the same. They finally came around to the matter of people at SHIELD, which turned out to be as uncomfortable as a personal question when Hill asked Steve what he thought of Rumlow.

The question surprised him somewhat, though he supposed he'd set himself up for it by admitting he hadn't wanted to spend time off the clock with the man.

"He's a decent soldier," Steve shrugged as non-committedly as the statement conveyed.

He turned to her and finally saw the amusement he'd been looking for earlier.

"You don't like him much either," he smirked and swallowed down the last of the bourbon in his glass.

She smiled slightly and tipped her head in acknowledgement.

"What's your take?" he asked.

She leaned forward and refilled her glass. Steve shifted in his seat as he watched her list forward and worried she might fall all the way to the table, but she was able to get herself upright still apparently.

She took a drink and said, with rather slurred speech, "He's a dick."

Steve almost choked on his drink as he laughed. He'd certainly not expected her to be so blunt about it.

"No, tell me what you really think," he joked and got a real laugh for his effort.

She'd been smiling more and laughing a little, but now she was in a better mood than he'd possibly seen anyone in since he'd joined SHIELD.

Steve tried to steer the conversation away from Rumlow, and anyone else at SHIELD. He was more than sure this was not something she wanted him to know.

"You know, you're a lot more talkative when you're drunk," he told her.

"You really are odd, Rogers," she said. "You came to get me drunk in order to hear me talk?"

She laughed again, and Steve did as well. It felt so good to be this relaxed with someone. He hadn't felt like this since before he went down with the Valkyrie.

"Well, I'm afraid if I tried anything else, you'd probably shoot me," he said as he poured himself another glass of bourbon.

"Damn straight, I would," she said and Steve noted how different her voice sounded when she smiled.

They drank in silence for a few moments and Steve noticed his smile didn't leave.

"You can't get drunk, can you?" Hill asked.

Steve grimaced and shook his head.

"I guess that has its pluses and minuses," she commented.

"Well, I'm always alert," he said and turned back to her.

"Good, 'cause the world needs more lerts," she said, her voice far more slurred now than even moments ago.

"Oh, that was just bad," he said and shook his head as he laughed at her.

"I know," she said. "I'm not particularly good at jokes."

"Really? I wouldn't have known," he said. "You made me laugh."

She looked at him in surprise. Her smile softened and she blushed as if Steve had somehow given her a huge compliment. Then she shook her head and turned away from him, covering her embarrassment with another swallow of her drink.

They were silent again for a few minutes and he studied her. She was the one who was nervous now, though he couldn't understand why. It was the truth, she'd made him laugh. Before he had time to ponder her reaction further, her face changed and she turned back to him.

"Tough question for you," she said, and Steve realized she was trying to change the subject.

"Alright," he agreed, to both the question and her need to change the subject.

"Alien invasion aside, what's the weirdest thing that's happened to you since you woke?" Maria asked.

"You're right, that is a hard question," Steve let out a breath and tried to think for a moment.

"I got asked to pose for a calendar," he chuckled.

"Weren't you in calendars before?" Maria asked.

Steve felt his face warm involuntarily and knew he must be beat red.

"Not quite like that," he managed.

"No." Maria drew out the word incredulously as her jaw dropped open.

Steve nodded his head.

"Yes," he said.

Maria started to laugh and Steve suddenly couldn't help but join her. But she couldn't seem to stop, and Steve found he didn't want to either. It felt so good just to laugh with her and forget his loneliness for once. Maria finally started to take deep breaths to calm herself.

"Your fangirls would go crazy for that," she gasped between breaths.

"Fangirls?" he asked.

"Yeah, you can't tell me you don't know about your fangirls," she said.

"I have a sheltered life," he told her.

"Fine, I'm gonna unshelter you tomorrow and give you the ton of mail SHIELD has locked up in a storage room from all your fangirls," she laughed and reached to set her empty glass on the coffee table.

"SHIELD's been keeping mail from me?" Steve suddenly felt as if a bucket of iced water had been dumped on him. But Maria was apparently too drunk to notice.

"Oh, don't be such a, a," Maria paused. "I can't think of the word." Then she turned back to him. "But just don't be it."

She laughed but Steve couldn't bring himself to join her. Maria sighed.

"Shit, Steve, I'm sorry, just like me to ruin everything," she said and the mirth on her face and the beauty it created vanished.

Steve wasn't prepared for how that would make him feel. He found himself mentally scrambling to find a way to bring her smile back.

"What do you mean? You haven't ruined anything," he tried to smile at her in hopes for at least another small smile from her.

"Nice try, Rogers," she said and patted his knee. "But that's your 'I'm smiling so everyone around me will think I'm OK and won't feel uncomfortable' smile."

Steve felt his mouth fall slightly open in surprise.

"It's OK," she said and she attempted to stand. "I'll go ahead and leave now."

"Uh, this is your apartment," Steve said.

She looked around as she sat back down on the sofa.

"Oh, yeah," she said and continued to stare as if seeing the room for the first time. "It's kinda boring, huh?"

Before Steve could say anything Maria was apologizing again.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm kinda boring and I guess it comes out in my decorating."

Steve swallowed thickly. He now regretted letting her have that last glass of bourbon. He was about to excuse himself for the night and clean up the bottles and glasses when a pained look passed across her face.

"You were so happy. You never smile, and I ruined it." She was staring dully at the table.

"You didn't ruin anything, Hill," he assured her. "I overreacted, that's all."

She didn't look up at him, only continued to stare at the table. Steve discovered that at that moment he would have given almost anything to make her smile again.

"Maria," Steve ventured a use of her first name and found he liked the way it felt as it rolled across his tongue. "I don't know who told you that you're boring or that you ruin everything but they didn't know you at all."

She looked ready to interrupt so Steve hurried on.

"You are the most fascinating person I've met since I woke," he said.

She turned sharply toward him. He could see now just how much the alcohol had affected her. Maybe this really had been a bad idea. She was sure to hate him in the morning and he suddenly found that idea untenable.

"Maria." Having discovered he liked the feel of it, Steve used her name again. "You're right, I never laugh, and I  _do_  smile so everyone around me will feel comfortable. But, do you know how many times I've truly laughed in the last two years?"

She was scrutinizing him now and Steve hoped he was able to convey the truth.

"None," he admitted. "Not once, until tonight. And the last time I truly smiled?"

Steve paused and swallowed down his emotions. He was going to tell her. Even his mind didn't want him to stop. He only knew he had to make sure she didn't think so poorly of herself. And an emotion he hadn't felt for a long time began to well up inside. It was a sense of injustice. The fact that someone had told Maria enough times that she ruined everything, that she was boring, made Steve feel that old anger begin to grow. For the previous two years he'd mostly felt as if he was simply going through the motions. The closest he'd come to feeling anything had been the battle against the Chitauri. And after...

"I decided to go see Peggy," he said. "After New York."

"Steve," her voice was full of concern and care. "Did you know about her condition?"

Steve only shook his head. He hadn't. In fact, he wondered now exactly what he'd expected when he went to see her. The staff warned him before they allowed him into her room, but when Peggy immediately recognized him, Steve had thought, rather foolishly, that it would be different for him, that she'd somehow find a way to remember. But thirty minutes into the visit she had stopped mid-conversation and stared at Steve in such a way that he began to feel self-conscious. Then her surprise at seeing him returned and it was as if the previous thirty minutes hadn't happened. Steve was fairly certain that was the worst moment since he'd awoke from the ice.

He was pulled from his memories by the touch of a cool, slim hand on his. Steve turned to Maria. Her bleary eyes were full of sadness.

"I didn't know you were going to see her," she said. "I should have warned you. I'm sorry."

"You can't blame yourself for this, Maria," he told her, but realized she would anyway.

He turned his hand over to take hers in it. He stared at their joined hands for several minutes as he mulled over the words he wanted to tell her. Finally realizing that there was no longer much he could do to salvage things, he decided just to lay it all out.

"Tonight is the first time in years I have truly laughed, truly smiled, and you did that," he said.

The look on her face told him that she couldn't believe anyone, let alone he, was telling her this. He wondered again who it was had made her feel so poorly about herself. He was almost tempted to think that the way she was at SHIELD was only a mask for her feelings but he couldn't imagine it was. She was a woman in a "man's" world, it was simply the way she had to be in order to have respect. Steve found that thought more offensive. Especially now that he could see plainly that beneath the supposed cold, hard exterior, Maria Hill was someone who felt life deeply, she cared for others, it was starting to appear, more than she cared for herself. But she wasn't the type to tell them, she wasn't one for flowery words or poetry, she was the type to show them.

And she did show everyone at SHIELD just how much she cared. The way she poured every effort into making sure nothing went wrong on her watch, and the many contingencies she worked into each op she planned, often earning her rolled eyes and chuckles behind her back, showed each person there that she didn't want to lose one of them. Steve recalled the effort he used to make during the war, to try to minimalize loss, and the hopeless feeling he had, the one he had to shove aside until after the battle, knowing that loss was inevitable and that many people who followed him were going to die. It was a heavy weight to carry, but he'd had Peggy, and The Howling Commandos, and Bucky, before his friend died. Steve wondered who Maria had. Were there more people in her life than Coulson? Mostly, though, he found himself wondering how he could become one of those people.

"Can you understand what that means to me?" he finally finished.

Maria furrowed her brows again, but she nodded. Then Steve took a deep breath and asked the question he didn't really want to ask.

"Do you need me to leave?"

To his surprise, Maria shook her head. He smiled in relief and she cocked her head, still looking at him as if he was an anomaly she would never understand. He held her gaze and hoped she would find the assurance she was looking for. After a moment she smiled and closed her eyes. He was surprised when she began to hum until he realized he was gently rubbing circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. He wondered if he should stop but it seemed that she might fall asleep if he continued so he did. As he watched her she slowly began to fall forward so he used his free hand to push her back by her shoulder until she was leaning back on the sofa. Her head lolled to the side and a lock of hair fell across her face. He reached up and brushed it away.

After a few minutes she was sound asleep. Steve gently placed her hand on her lap and stood to clean up, but then thought that he shouldn't leave her on the sofa to sleep, it probably wouldn't be comfortable. He walked toward the bedroom before his nerves could convince him otherwise and flipped on the light. This room, like the living room, was free of any sort of decoration. Even the bedding was a plain tan color, no decoration at all.

He pulled down the sheets on the bed then returned to the living room where Maria was still sleeping. He walked over and lifted her into his arms from her sitting position on the sofa. Her body was limp and her head fell back as he carried her. He laid her carefully onto the bed then pulled the covers back over her. Steve knew there was a time this situation would have embarrassed him, but for some reason he didn't understand, doing this for Maria only made him feel better. He wondered again at who it could be that had made such an amazing woman feel so small.

Finally, he realized he'd been watching her sleep for several minutes, and then he did blush. He turned off the light as he left the room and went back to the living room to clean up. Inside Maria's cupboards, everything was lined up perfectly so Steve was careful to put the washed glasses back the same way the others were. She obviously liked order and structure and he found a sense of comfort in that. And, despite her protestations, he didn't mind that the rooms were only practical and useful. Though he did find it conflicted with what he saw in her.

When he was finished, he considered leaving, but he wondered if he stayed he couldn't minimize the damage to their relationship. If he left, she was sure to avoid him at SHIELD and highly unlikely to let him into her apartment sober. But if he stayed, they could talk, and more importantly, he could make sure she made it to work on time in the morning. He opted for the latter since he had already encroached on her privacy and because something about their evening together had emboldened him. Not that he thought he had a right to be here in her apartment as she slept, but that he should be here to make sure she understood immediately when she woke that he didn't think less of her. Especially now that he knew that was exactly what would happen if she was left alone with her thoughts in the morning.

Still, he was nervous as he returned to sit on the sofa. He glanced around the room again and realized she had no radio, or television. Most people seemed to have televisions in their homes now. He hadn't gotten around to buying one yet. He'd seen a few things on the devices while he was shopping and didn't find them remotely entertaining. Maybe he'd understand it someday but for now he was still trying to learn the things that were actually important and spent most of his time at the library or on the internet researching. It seemed that was all the entertainment he'd have tonight as well. He pulled his phone from his pocket and settled back into the sofa. He wasn't sure how long Maria would sleep, or for that matter, if she was going to shoot him for calling her Maria in the first place.

He finished some reading he'd been doing earlier before finally giving in and looking up "fangirls." It was pretty funny, Steve thought, and wished now he hadn't reacted the way he had. It would have been a nice conversation to have with Maria, and by nice he meant she would have smiled a lot and laughed more. Steve didn't even try to deny to himself how quickly her smile had affected him. But he had to be realistic. He had presumed upon her this evening and she didn't owe him anything. She was his superior at SHIELD and, while SHIELD had no set fraternization policy, he already knew how people talked about Maria behind her back, and sometimes to her face. Friendship with Steve probably wouldn't be something that would enhance people's view of her.

Steve was pondering how much things had changed, or in the case of a woman in Maria's position, how little, since the war, when he heard a clicking noise from the kitchen. He rose to investigate, knowing it couldn't be anything serious, still he walked quietly and cautiously pushed open the kitchen door to peek inside. The scent of brewing coffee hit his nostrils and he pushed the door open all the way. So Hill had one of those automatic coffee makers,  _and_  she had prepped it before she'd started drinking. According to the clock on the coffee maker, it was 3:51am. Maria must be getting up at four. Panic surged through him briefly and Steve had a momentary urge to leave but fought it easily and turned to see what the commander had in her refrigerator. He wasn't oblivious to the shift in his mindset. He knew wasn't going to be addressing her as "Maria" this morning, but he tried not to let that bother him as he pulled the eggs and milk from the icebox. She didn't have much in her larder, but she had the basics and that seemed preferable to the waste he'd read about, with people throwing away all types of food simply because they'd never gotten around to eating it. The concept was still foreign to Steve. He'd had little food during the depression, which had been followed by rationing during the war, then the war itself. He was fortunate to have eaten well most of the time after the serum, but he didn't recall things going to waste that greatly around him.

Shortly, he heard music playing in the bedroom. He looked at the clock on the coffee maker again. 4am, just as he'd thought. His nerves were far tighter now, but he was already heating a pan and cracking eggs into a bowl to scramble. He thought he might let her know he was still here, but when he turned, he discovered she already had that figured out. She was standing in the doorway, her hair mussed from sleep, one leg of her sweatpants had been pushed up to her knee. Her appearance alone might have been enough to make him smile if not for the glock she had pointed in steady hands at his chest.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria makes a decision. One day she'll look back and realize it was the wrong one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, here we are with chapter four. Not sure I have much else to say on the matter except this is Maria's POV. :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Please R&R.

 

When Maria heard Mick Jagger's voice singing in her ear, she knew it was time to more than face the music. She'd known she'd have the hangover to deal with this morning, but added to that was the terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach worrying what Steve Rogers thought of her now. What had she been thinking anyway, letting him into this apartment last night? She remembered she had thought he'd come to argue with her over the op. Instead he'd brought alcohol and told her he was making a delivery and then he'd smiled that annoyingly affable half-grin of his and she had let him in. Not only that, she drank with him and, if her memory wasn't lying to her, she vividly recalled that there had been hand-holding involved.

She rolled over and slapped her hand on her alarm. She remained under the covers a moment letting the smell of coffee permeate her mind until she could convince herself to get out of bed. But as she did so, she heard a noise from the kitchen. Her mind immediately kicked into auto-pilot as her adrenalin pushed her fully awake. She carefully slid open the drawer of her nightstand to remove her gun, then pulled it under the pillow and checked the chamber, feeling for it instead of looking at it so the sound wouldn't carry. She clicked the lock off the safety and quietly slipped out of the bed and took soft steps to the bedroom door. Maria was at the door when the realization hit her that she didn't even recall getting into the bed last night. It was a stupid thought to have but it did calm her slightly. Putting her to bed sounded like something Steve Rogers would do; however, staying afterwards didn't.

She could tell by the noises that the kitchen door was open so she cautiously slid along the wall of the living room until she could come full around to the kitchen. She could also tell from the noise that whoever was in the room, was at the stove. Cooking eggs? She quickly turned into the doorway, with her gun held firmly pointed at…Steve Rogers' back.

When he turned she was only slightly amused by his surprise.

"Damn, Rogers," she exclaimed. "I could have shot you."

He swallowed down whatever fear he might have felt before he responded.

"I'm sure I would have recovered," he said.

She allowed herself a smirk.

"Not from where I was going to shoot," she told him and let her eyes drift down between his legs as she set the glock on the counter next to her. When she looked back she saw his eyes were wide with concern and relief and Maria couldn't stop the laugh that came to her throat at the sight. She sobered slightly as her laughter seemed to bring a smile to his face.

'Pretty damned presumptuous of you, Hill,' she told herself. 'He's only relieved that you didn't shoot him.'

She schooled her face and wondered why that even mattered then sat down at the table where he already had two place settings laid out.

"Didn't you sleep?" she asked as he turned back to the eggs which were now ready and he put them onto another plate before setting them down on the table between the two settings.

"A little," he said.

"Where?" she asked. If he said the floor, Maria was going to be mortified.

"On the sofa," he said and tried another smile at her as he put some scrambled eggs on her plate.

She picked up the pepper and shook some onto the food. Steve placed a glass of water at the top right of her place setting before finally sitting down and serving himself some of the eggs.

"Are these all the eggs?" she asked.

"Yeah, sorry," he blushed. "I can get you some more and bring them by this afternoon."

She shook her head and took one bite of the eggs.

"By tonight I'll be back in New York, or at least on my way," she said after she swallowed.

"But you were only here a week," he said.

Maria looked pointedly at Steve. He had to understand where they stood, just because they'd shared drinks one night didn't mean there was anything more than a professional relationship. But his reaction to her look shook her for a moment. She didn't want to be cruel and his face showed her that was what he thought.

'The devil with it,' she thought. 'I can't worry what insubordinates think about me.'

"I don't see how any of it is your business," she said, her voice cool and steady.

His face became more reserved, or at least in as much as Steve Rogers could hide his feelings. And Maria felt like she'd kicked a puppy.

"It's not, I'm sorry," he said, and Maria was sure she heard pain in his voice, maybe even a little regret.

No, that would just be stupid. Why would Captain America regret not being friends with the likes of Maria Hill, Ice Queen of SHIELD?

"Why are you here, Rogers?" she asked, her head slowly starting to throb as the adrenaline that had pushed her out of bed so quickly abated.

"I keep asking myself that question," he told her, and the slight smile on his face let her know he was attempting a joke. "But since you all are the ones who thawed me, maybe you should have the answer."

Maria cursed herself as she felt the corners of her lips twitch up involuntarily.

"I just wanted to make sure you got a good breakfast and made it to work on time after last night," he said.

Maria gave him a dubious look.

"It's a good thing you're such a great soldier, Rogers," she said. "SHIELD certainly has no use for spies who can't lie about something this simple."

"Sorry, ma'am," he said, but he didn't look it. "I never was very good at lying."

She looked at him a few seconds before she said something she immediately thought incredibly stupid.

"That's not a bad thing, you know."

Oh, gads, what was she thinking? Now he was smiling a bigger smile at her. She was supposed to be giving the guy the brush off, which seemed weird since all they'd done was drink together.

And hold hands. That thought induced another internal groan.

Her headache was getting worse; though, fortunately, the eggs were settling on her stomach nicely. She leaned forward to rest her head in her free hand while she stabbed another bite of the eggs.

"I'm sorry about last night," he said quietly.

Maria forced herself to continue to lift the eggs to her mouth and then open it and chew them down. He was sorry he'd come to her. Of course, he was. Why wouldn't he be? She should never have let him in. She knew she was a lousy, emotional drunk. The number of times she'd ended up blubbering to Coulson over the years was her proof. And she'd gone ahead and let Captain Freaking America into the apartment while she was drunk. Of all the stupid things she'd done in her life, this had to top them all.

"I wish I hadn't over-reacted about the mail," he continued. "We were having such a good time up until then."

Maria blinked her eyes several times in confusion before she looked up at him.

"What?"

"When you told me that SHIELD had mail that belonged to me," he explained. "I should have simply asked you to clarify. I shouldn't have just assumed you were involved, that it was your decision. I really messed everything up last night."

Maria narrowed her eyes. She didn't know what he was getting at and she couldn't help but be suspicious. It was ridiculous for him to blame himself. He was Captain America, he didn't mess things up. But she had to close her eyes now because her headache was far worse and she didn't want to sort this out at the moment. Steve stood and left the room. She heard him in the bathroom and, from the sounds of things, and based on how he was behaving, in less than a minute he would be back with…

"Here, you need some aspirin," he said as he set the bottle in front of her upon his return to the kitchen.

She opened one eye and he held her challenging stare.

"You don't trust easily," he said.

Maria was glad for the hangover, it made it easier to simply glare than to give away the surprise she felt. What  _did_  he care? Maria dutifully took the aspirin and they finished their eggs in silence. Then, to her annoyance, he argued with her over the coffee.

"It's really not good for a hangover," he said.

"Oh, and the man who can't get drunk would know all about it," she scoffed.

"I can read, and I've read about it," he told her.

She furrowed her brow in confusion.

"Why would you read about something like that?" she asked.

"It's in one of the SHIELD manuals," he told her.

Maria scowled at him, mildly embarrassed that she'd forgotten that bit of information. She was silent a moment then stood to head to the shower.

"When I get out of the shower there had better be coffee still in that pot," she grumbled and tried to ignore the hint of amusement in his eyes.

She walked to the bath, closed the door and clicked the lock over. Why hadn't she simply said that when she got out of the shower Steve should be gone? Maria shook her head. He had done what he'd stayed to do, she supposed, apologize for something that wasn't even his fault. Maria was certain when she got out of the shower, he'd be long gone.

But, not for the first or last time with Steve Rogers, she was wrong. She thought how inaccurate her assessment of him had been as she stood awkwardly for several seconds after she opened the bathroom door to find him sitting on the sofa turning a bright shade of crimson. Maria was glad she'd gone ahead and opted to wrap the towel around her after she'd finished drying her hair or this would have been more than awkward.

She retreated into the bedroom and as she dressed she thought that Rogers must be more desperate for company than she'd thought. The line, "What's a nice guy like you doing waiting around for a girl like me," went through her mind as a comment when she exited, ready for work. He stood from his seat on the sofa and picked up a mug from the coffee table to hand to her.

"Two sugars, right?" he asked as he held out the mug to her.

Maria glanced down at the small table that held his mug of coffee and thought that the only thing missing was the damned morning paper. It was so terrifyingly domestic that she had the urge to lose her legendary cool.

"I overstepped, didn't I?" he asked.

She looked up at him, and he did appear sincerely apologetic.

"More than a little," she told him.

They were silent for a few seconds before Maria stepped over and took the coffee from him and waved him to sit as she did herself.

"Look, I," she wanted to say something nice. Obviously, Steve Rogers was a very nice guy and she had the feeling that he would do this for any one he considered a comrade in arms. But she didn't want to encourage this type of behavior. There had to be lines, even if SHIELD didn't have strict policies on the matter.

"You've been very nice, Rogers," she said. "But you can't just stay the night and fix me breakfast."

Maria stopped, thinking how bad that sounded.

"I just mean to say this can't be something we do," she said.

Steve nodded hesitantly before replying.

"Do you have someone else to drink with?" he asked.

"I don't see what that has to do with anything," she told him.

"I just thought that if you don't, and I obviously don't, that, maybe, sometime," he stopped and cleared the emotion from his throat. He'd again managed to make her feel as if she was kicking a puppy. Before she could even consider the wisdom of it she replied.

"That would be fine," she said.

He looked up at her with a small smile on his face, and Maria found herself feeling glad that it reached his eyes.

"You just have to make sure I don't get drunk when we do," she said. "I'm far too emotional when I'm drunk."

She admitted it to excuse her behavior the night before, but she hated doing it.

"I thought you were going to say it was because you talk so much when you're drunk," he said, and Maria shook her head at the look in his eyes. The man liked to tease far more than she was comfortable with, only she  _was_  comfortable with it this time and she almost hated herself for it.

"You have an unfair advantage, Rogers, in that you can't get drunk at all," she told him.

"Well, it's probably a good thing," he said. "I seem to be perfectly capable of making a complete ass out of myself without any alcohol being involved."

Maria couldn't help but chuckle at his self-deprecation. Maybe being drinking buddies with Rogers wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SHIELD Academy training had prepared Maria for anything, even torture. But an assignment in Hawaii with Steve reveals to Maria a gaping hole in her education.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Back with another chapter of this story. This is one I had to add after re-reading Too Busy. It only explains a tiny part, but it was significant enough that I had to find a way to maintain the continuity. Anyway, it gets both better and worse from here on out. I will definitely be changing the rating to M after the next chapter, but only for one chapter (chapter 7) and I will issue a warning, and probably "cordon off" that part so people can read parts of the chapter if they want. I know M rated stories aren't for everyone.
> 
> I think that's all. Thanks for all the follows, likes, and reviews. As always, they are so greatly appreciated.
> 
> Please R&R.

 

Steve turned out to be an undemanding friend, which was a relief to Maria. Her concerns about his need for her time were unfounded and, after the first few meetings, which had terrified her in the way only interpersonal relationships could, she realized that Steve was good company. She found his conversation thoughtful and his questions intelligent. Despite missing the past 70 years of history, Steve was knowledgeable and insightful and Maria began to look forward to their drinking nights so much that she began to initiate them herself, calling him to let him know if she'd be in DC.

She learned to laugh easily with him and to relax in a way she hadn't with anyone before. Steve had a way with people, she saw. Maria could imagine the camaraderie of The Howling Commandos and it made her wish that Steve could have that here. He was the type of man that, hardened and unromantic as Maria felt she was, she still wanted him to have more out of this life into which he'd been forced.

When they worked together, he maintained a professional detachment that Maria appreciated. She had always known he had her back, but now that she was beginning to actually know him personally, she started to trust that. She enjoyed ops with him in a way that was unnatural to her, simply because she knew he would follow the plan and would only buck orders if he reasoned it truly necessary. He didn't put other people into risky positions. He didn't roll his eyes at her obsession with details.

Maria had thought their relationship would be like hers and Coulson's, and it wouldn't have bothered it if it had been. But Steve was as opposite Coulson personally as could be. There was nothing quiet or unassuming about the super soldier, and, Maria suspected, there hadn't been before the serum. She had read the files, she understood why he was chosen for the program, and she saw the proof each time they got together for drinks, which were now morphing into dinners and movie nights, and Maria had no problem with that.

Which was why it shouldn't have surprised her when Nick came to her with his utterly ridiculous idea.

"Rogers seems comfortable with you," he said, and Maria was glad this meeting was in her office, with the door shut, and no one else present.

"I'm not sure what you mean," she said, and gave him a bland look.

"He doesn't question your authority the way he does some of the others he's worked with, he never questions your decisions," Nick went on and Maria felt herself grow uncomfortable.

"He respects you," he finished, and Maria truly hoped that's all there was to it.

But that wasn't.

"I'd like to see if we can't maybe train him for something a bit more subtle," he told Maria.

Maria laughed.

"Captain America? Subtle?" She chuckled.

She sobered only slightly when she saw that her superior was indeed serious.

"Sir, the man can't even lie," she said.

"I know, 'honest as the day is long,'" he commented.

Maria nodded.

"Maybe we'll just try some surveillance," Nick suggested.

Maria gave him a doubtful look.

"Don't we have people who actually wouldn't stand out like a sore thumb?" Maria said, becoming less enthused with Nick's idea, if that was even possible.

"He wouldn't if he had some company," he told her.

"You mean like a female companion," Maria said.

"Yes," Nick replied.

Maria thought for a moment.

"Well, Romanoff's in Brazil right now, but I suppose I could get someone else," Maria said. "I just think he might work better with her since he already knows her. And she'd be a good judge of his possible skills."

"I was thinking I'd send him with someone he trusts," Nick looked at Maria pointedly.

"No," she replied immediately.

"Hill, you need to get out of the office anyway," he said. "It'll be a good brush up on your skills as well."

She cocked an unamused eyebrow at him.

"Don't look at me like that, Hill," Nick said. "I'll let the Captain know you two will be headed to Hawaii in two days' time."

"Sir, I don't…" But Nick cut her off.

"It's Hawaii, Lieutenant," he said.

"In September," she replied. "It's hot, muggy, and miserable."

"Yeah, but it's beautiful," Nick told her and tried a smile with her, which was far more terrifying than his scowl and by it Maria knew he meant business and she should not question him on the matter again.

So, the next day, she and Steve spent time in her office hashing out the details of their trip.

"Carl Peterson," he said, but didn't sound too pleased with his name.

"Don't complain, I'm 'Tonya,'" she groused.

"You're not happy about this, are you?" he asked.

"No," she said. "It's a waste of time and resources."

"Your time and my resources," he said with his half grin and Maria shoved aside the feelings that damned look always gave her.

"That's what I like about you Rogers," she said. "I don't have to spell it all out for you."

They both laughed and returned to learning their rolls, which Maria hated more than anything.

"Why they had to make us newlyweds, I don't even know," she said.

"Don't a lot of newly married people go to Hawaii?" Steve asked.

"Yes, but it just creates a whole different set of problems as far as surveillance goes," she said. "If we portrayed a couple that had been married longer, we could go our separate ways for a time if need be."

"But isn't the point of this to assess whether I'm any good?" he asked. "Don't you need to keep an eye on me?"

And there he went with that half grin again, only this time Maria could have sworn he was trying to flirt with her as well.

She frowned, but she didn't add that the real problem was that as newlyweds they would not just be expected to be together but to be in physical contact on a regular basis. And that was what Maria wanted to avoid. She wasn't a blind woman and she wasn't so cold that she couldn't be attracted to him the same way other women were. She was simply more self-controlled. Though she liked Steve only as a friend, she'd be lying if said she hadn't, on a very rare and very weak occasion, entertained the idea of something more.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" she asked.

"Uh, no," he said and something in his eyes when he looked at her made Maria nervous.

"Well, think about when you had one last," she said ignoring her nerves. "You know all the hand-holding and the arms around each other?"

"Well, actually," Steve started but then he stopped as a pained look flashed across his face.

Maria waited. She couldn't think that he was going to tell her he'd never had a girlfriend. That would be absurd.

"Peggy and I, well, it was the war and we, well, like a lot of couples we, um, chose to, um, wait until the war was over," he said haltingly.

They were both quiet for several minutes as Maria allowed Steve time to recover from his memory. She never pushed him about the past, she let him tell her in his own time, but now she had and she realized it wasn't a good idea at all.

After a few moments, he continued.

"And before Peggy, well, I didn't have a lot of experience with women," Steve said, then he was silent.

It took Maria a minute to realize he had finished what he intended to say.

"So you didn't date a lot before you met Peggy?" she asked, hoping she wasn't pushing too hard.

He shook his head.

"Well, women in your day were stupid," was all Maria could think to say.

"To be fair to them, I hadn't had the serum yet," he said quietly.

Maria stared at him for a moment, weighing the implications of what she wanted to say next. She didn't want to give Steve ideas about her. Of course, that was ridiculous, she reasoned. They might be friends, but more was entirely out of the question. From what Maria knew of Peggy Carter, and she knew quite a lot, the two women were as different in personality as Steve and Phil. Maria was definitely not Steve's type.

She finally shook her head at him.

"You misunderstood," she said. "Women in your day were stupid."

He looked at her a moment before Maria could see he realized what she'd just said. Then he smiled at her a smile she'd never seen before. She smiled back and thought that it was an entirely pleasant thing to be friends with Steve Rogers.

* * *

Hawaii in September was filled with happy newlyweds and couples: On the beach rubbing sun screen onto the other's skin, on the street hand-in-hand, on the boardwalk leaning affectionately into each other. Maria had never felt so out of place, or, she had thought she would. Instead she supposed she looked as if she belonged among the happy lovers. Steve had taken to this undercover assignment as if it was second nature. Maria was beginning to doubt he was as inexperienced as he claimed.

It was their second day out and they walked along the boardwalk, his hand rested at her lower back, occasionally drifting up to her shoulder in order to put his arm around her as they paused to pretend they were looking at the wares at a vendor's booth. His lips ghosted her ear as he leaned in to let her know what their quarry was up to.

Maria laughed dutifully and the blush she felt across her cheeks played right into their rolls. But there was no play in it for her. This was some type of exquisite torture, feeling his gentle touch and looking into his eyes that appeared to be so full of love and knowing it was all for show. This week might be about training Steve, but it was killing her.

At night, things were normal. They returned to their room and Steve, ever the gentleman, took the floor, despite her protests to at least take turns. She was just glad he didn't want to touch her in their room, he didn't look at her with longing the way he had out on the street today as they'd followed their quarry.

Maria sat on the bed cross-legged and messaged Fury about their progress. Steve was in the shower and that was even better for Maria because he was completely out of the room and she could settle her mind. By the time he walked out, Maria was finished with her work and had picked up her book to read while she waited.

"So, do you think it went well today?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, it was good," she said, not lifting her eyes from the page. "Hopefully by tomorrow we can get some better intel and it won't be much longer until we're done."

"Am I doing OK?" he asked quietly.

"Oh, yeah," she laughed. "I had no idea you were such a good actor, Rogers."

He was silent and Maria finally looked at him. He was staring out their window at the ocean view their room afforded.

"Is everything OK?" she asked.

It was several more seconds and a few deep breaths later before he answered.

"Yeah," he said, his voice rough. "Just enjoying at the view."

Maria watched him for another minute before he spoke again.

"Do you think it would be too out of character if I went down to the hotel gym?" he asked.

"No, I think that would be fine," she said.

Steve quickly grabbed up his keycard and slipped on his tennis shoes before leaving without so much as a glance at her.

Maria stared at the closed door while she thought about Steve's actions. They were unusual for him, at least he'd never behaved this way before with her. She slipped off the bed and walked over to the window to gaze at the same view he had. There were still couples on the beach, a few walking along the sand.

Maria thought of what Steve had said about his relationship with Peggy. They had decided to wait on the romance until after the war. But there hadn't been an "after" for them. Steve had "died" and Peggy had been forced to go on with her life. And now, Steve was here, but they'd missed their chance. Maria wasn't really the heartless bitch the junior agents thought, she understood pain and suffering. That was why she'd chosen to avoid romantic entanglements in the first place. But Steve was a man of deep emotion and he'd lost quite possibly the first and only woman he'd ever loved. Only Peggy wasn't just any woman, she was one who'd known Steve both before and after, and, if Steve was only a larger version of himself after the serum, Maria suspected there would have been no way Peggy couldn't have loved him before.

Maria's mind froze and she was very glad she wasn't having this conversation aloud with anyone. The day had obviously gotten to her. She took a deep breath and walked toward the bathroom to start her own shower. She shook her head and reminded herself to stop feeling so stressed about how Steve was acting when he was doing exactly what had been asked of him. If this was torture for her, how much worse must it be for him? Pretending to be in love with a woman who was only his friend, all the while remembering that he could never have this with the woman he loved.

* * *

"Stop," Maria said as she turned into Steve. Her hand was on his chest and she held back the desire to let it drift up to his neck. Even after her self-admonishments the prior evening, today was extremely difficult. It was one thing to act like lovers, but the past five hours had been grueling for Maria. She just wanted this day to be over and return to their hotel room where she could finally break contact with him.

He touched his forehead to hers and Maria closed her eyes for a moment to get her wits back.

"He's headed this way," Steve said and Maria felt her jaw clench as she fought her reaction as his breath brushed over her face.

"I know," she said.

Steve skimmed his hand along her arm on the boardwalk side to cup her face. He tilted her chin up and Maria had the foolish thought that he might actually kiss her. But that was entirely unnecessary and Steve never did anything...

Her thoughts were cut short when Steve's lips pressed gently against hers. The kiss was hesitant, almost shy, if she had to give it a word. It felt as if he was testing his ground, wondering what would happen next, how she would react. Maria told herself to pull back. She wasn't going to be rude about it, he was, after all, only learning surveillance. But then his kiss became more confident and something unusual happened to Maria as her mind disengaged and she was suddenly responding. Finally he pulled away. Maria lowered her eyes to Steve's chest so she could discreetly reign in her emotions.

"He's at the fish and chips' stand," Steve informed her, his lips against her forehead.

The reminder that this was just an assignment caused Maria a sudden chill. She angrily forced herself back into reality.

They kept an eye on their quarry for several more minutes until he turned onto the street and Maria radioed to the other team that he was all theirs.

She and Steve were done for now and walked back to their hotel. When they arrived, Maria found she was far more spent emotionally than needed for a simple assignment. They had to play their parts until they reached the room, each moment, each touch, delicious agony she both thrilled in and despised.

As soon as Steve had the door open, Maria hurried in and broke physical contact with him. She headed straight to the bathroom where she intended to shower and try to regain some semblance of emotional balance. What was wrong with her anyway?

"Maria, wait," Steve said as he shut the door.

Despite her desire to flee, Maria turned around.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I just…"

He didn't finish his thought and looked so lost that Maria couldn't help but have compassion on him.

"It's OK, Steve," she said. "Sometimes you have to use public displays of affection to keep your quarry's eyes off you."

"Still, I think I overstepped, and I wanted to apologize," he told her.

He was still standing on the other side of the room by the door and Maria was glad for the space. It made this conversation much easier. He still looked upset at his actions so Maria decided to try to lighten the mood.

"You know, though," she told him with a smirk. "If you keep kissing like that, I'm never going to believe you have as little practice as you claim."

He smiled now and Maria felt a sense of relief before she turned back to the shower.

The next morning they waited with the team. Steve and Maria were in street attire and were supposed to do a walk by of the area where SHIELD hoped to finally corner their suspect. When they got the go, the two left the room and headed down to the street.

"So this is our last day, you think?" he asked.

"Probably," she replied. "It looks good anyway."

"That's too bad," he said. "I think I was finally getting a tan."

He pushed up the t-shirt he was wearing but Maria could see no difference in color at all.

"Yeah, sure you were," she said. "Must be rough not being able to get skin cancer."

They bantered on like that as they walked toward the meeting place and Maria felt herself relax. Steve was still holding her hand, but the two were acting more like friends than lovers.

When they arrived, Maria radioed in that it looked as if the meeting had already begun. She watched the three men the team had been following this week walk into an office building.

"Damn," she muttered.

"I think I have to go to the bathroom," Steve said.

"What?" Maria looked at him in surprise. "Now?"

"I think there's probably one in that building," he said and pointed toward the office building the men had just entered.

Maria just laughed and shook her head.

"You are entirely too good at this, Rogers."

They walked into the building. It was small, only two floors and Maria listened to the comm as the team tried to assess which room the three men might have entered.

"This way," she told Steve and tugged at his hand to follow her.

They walked quickly down the first hallway and turned into another. On the comm, Maria heard the team moving into place. She and Steve only needed to verify the location. Suddenly a door opened and one of the men walked out, shouting angrily. Steve turned to cover Maria from sight, but he wasn't fast enough and the man recognized them both.

"We don't have time to get your shield," Maria commented as she pulled her gun out of its hiding place under her shirt.

"I know," he said calmly.

"I've got this," she told him.

"I know," he said calmly again.

And Maria smiled as she stepped around Steve and raised her gun.

It was all over in a matter of minutes. Steve had taken out his own gun and backed up Maria. The three had surrendered rather easily. They weren't very high level so no serious trouble had been expected. By the time the team joined them, Maria and Steve had the three men zipped tied and ready to go.

Despite how well he'd done, Steve confessed to Maria that he never wanted to do something like that again.

"I don't like playing with people that way," he said.

Maria didn't understand what he meant but Steve refused to elaborate.

Fury did send him out one more time, despite Steve's protests. This time he went with a different team and Maria was not involved at all.

Two weeks later she was walking along a corridor in the New York headquarters when two female agents fell in step with her. Maria stopped to look at them, more than just a little annoyed.

"I just want you to help settle a bet with my friend here," June Callum told Maria.

"June swears that Captain America would be a terrible lover because the guy can't kiss and he doesn't even know how to hold hands without making things awkward," Stacy Matthews explained.

Maria opened her mouth but no sound came out. She simply shook her head and turned to continue on her way.

"Hill, really, I need your help," June called and Maria could hear the two continue their pursuit.

"I don't see how I can help you Agent Callum, I really wouldn't know what type of lover Steve Rogers is," she said trying to put as much exasperation in her voice as possible in hopes they would get the point and drop the subject.

"But you know what type of kisser he is," June pointed out.

Maria stared at her in confusion.

"How would I know that?" she asked.

"He kissed you on assignment," June said.

Maria hid her desire to blush with a nasty look at the two women.

"I don't think you can compare an assignment kiss with what a person might really be like," she said and was about to continue on her way again when June piped up.

"I honestly don't know how you two were successful on your assignment," she told Maria. "Rogers messed up a simple milk run with me."

Maria groaned. She didn't even want to know what happened, but she might ask Steve later, just in case he felt bad about it.

"That's not my problem," she said in a clipped tone and turned and gladly noted the two had finally given up on her.

Once she returned to her office the conversation bothered her even more. It seemed impossible that Steve could mess up a simple assignment. He wasn't perfect, but everything he was given to complete he took seriously. Her curiosity finally got the best of her and she looked up the report.

It turned out that Agent Callum had exaggerated more than a little. It hadn't been a complete wash, nor had it actually been a milk run in the truest sense of the word. Yes, it had been a fairly simple assignment, but they had gotten their man. Maria read on in the report and slowly felt heat rise to her cheeks. Their suspect had mentioned during questioning that he should have known it was a set up because the couple (Steve and June) didn't even look like a couple.

Maria swallowed thickly as she thought about her initial interview in Hawaii with one of their detainees.

 _"_ _So, no lover boy?" the man asked._

 _"_ _I'm not sure what you're talking about," Maria said, already as bored with the conversation as she appeared._

 _"_ _Your boyfriend or husband or whatever," he smirked._

 _"_ _I don't have any of those and that's really not what this interview is about," she said and attempted to begin questioning the man._

 _"_ _I'm usually better at spotting a fake when they use couples," the man bragged. "You two had me convinced."_

 _"_ _Are you done?" she asked._

 _"_ _I guess," he shrugged. "But you two made an adorable couple."_

_Maria rolled her eyes and wished this was a more serious offense, she might have been able to justify a little physical force._

She shook the thoughts from her head. He was a criminal and he was trying to distract her. There was no way she and Steve made any kind of couple, she thought. She wasn't Steve Rogers' type, she reminded herself, and ignored the feeling she got when she tried to accept that reality.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn that Natasha isn't the only person in SHIELD who sucks at matchmaking. And Maria learns that she would do well to use her SHIELD training in real life, she might be less surprised when good things happen to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, I sort of have my computer working. I just can't seem to post at FFN yet but I can post here at AO3 apparently. *sigh*
> 
> Anyway....I just wanted to say a few things at the beginning of this chapter. 1) This is NOT a shipping bash. I am not bashing the Natasha/Steve ship at all. As I was working through this chapter I was trying to think of the few relationships of Steve's TWS deals with and how, and I kept recalling the conversation between Steve and Natasha at Sam's. For some reason I had the urge to deal with it in a minor way. 2)This is a long chapter. I could have broken it up but then Chapter 6 would be really boring. :)

Maria would say that nothing had changed after Hawaii, but it had. She thought it was because she had a better understanding of Steve’s loneliness, of his loss; she thought that’s why she sought him out more frequently. It was natural for Steve to smile at her the way he had when they were undercover, they were closer now. He appreciated her friendship. He was probably glad not to be alone. She refused to entertain the notion that it meant more. She wasn’t Steve’s type, she was sure, and she had a long list of failed relationships to her credit. She didn’t know the first thing about how to make one work and pursue her career at the same time.

Still, whenever she knew they were in the same city, she called. The smile at the thought of seeing him was nothing, the disappointment when she had to cancel plans because of work was, well, she was working on that reason.

“Hey, guess where I am,” Maria said into her phone as she sat back at her desk.

It was a week before Christmas and Maria had been called to DC. She suspected she’d be there until the New Year.

“Very funny,” Steve said. “I saw you at the Triskelion this morning.

“Yeah?” she asked. “You didn’t call.”

“Well, you were in a very, um, heated argument with some junior agent and I thought I should give you time to cool off,” he explained. “I definitely didn’t want to get into the middle of that.”

He chuckled and she noticed then that she’d had a smile on her face since she’d shut her office door to call him. She mentally waved away her thoughts on that no longer unusual fact.

“Betcha can’t guess what I’ve got here in my hand, though,” she said, knowing full well the way she worded it gave it away.

“No,” he said. “I don’t want to hear about it.”

“Aw, come on,” she cajoled. “You don’t want to hear what fangirl Tiffany wants to say to you?”

She paused and pretended she was reading the letter again.

“Or maybe “do to you” is the more appropriate term,” she said and couldn’t help but laugh at him. She knew he was three shades of pink by now.

“You are never going to let me live this down, are you?” he asked and Maria was glad to hear the smile in his voice.

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to see the mail,” she said. “I tried to protect you.”

“Yes, you did,” he said. “I should have been far more grateful.”

“You can be grateful by stopping by tonight,” she said.

“I’d like that,” he said. “In fact I was going to call you in about an hour if I didn’t hear from you. What time do you think you’ll be at your apartment?”

“I’m trying for eight,” she said. “It’s surprisingly easy to get out of the office this close to Christmas. Nobody seems to need my attention before they leave for the evening.”

“OK, eight’s good,” he said.

He sounded far more excited than he usually did but Steve had really been looking forward to Christmas and, she was sure, to not spending it alone.

After they said their goodbyes, Maria stood and walked over to her office window and stared down at the icy Potomac. It seemed like a million years since they’d been in Hawaii but his actions there had stuck with her. Maria’d never been much of a match maker, romance wasn’t really her area of interest, let alone expertise. She hoped she wasn’t making a mistake with the plans she’d made.

Earlier that day, Maria had decided it was time to implement what she’d been considering since Hawaii. After they’d returned, she had thought through the short list of women Steve might know. Maria had figured out from his devotion to Peggy Carter that the woman would have to be someone similar, someone strong and independent; no clingy, needy woman would be able to match up with Steve. It had to be someone he could view as an equal. Someone who would support him and someone he could feel like he was supporting. And yet it would have to be someone who could be very feminine, who understood the sort of things women understood. Maria had seen pictures of young Agent Carter and she thought that it wouldn’t be a bad idea if the woman was drop dead gorgeous.

She had narrowed down the list to only a few agents. Maria was sure Steve must know Sharon Carter through Peggy, though they’d never discussed her. But Sharon was on a long-term under cover assignment for Nick, at least that’s what her file said when Maria had looked up her location. That left two or three Maria thought would be right for Steve, one of whom she’d bumped into earlier that day.

_“I’m in town for the holidays,” she told Natasha. “If you aren’t busy would you like to come by my place for drinks later tonight?”_

_“Sure, we haven’t done that in a while,” the red-head agreed._

Maria was somewhat pleased with herself. And the more she thought about it, the more she tried to convince herself she liked it. Natasha and Steve. It had a nice ring to it, she told herself as she shoved aside that odd feeling in the pit of her gut she hadn’t felt since she was a child looking around at all the happy families knowing she could never have that. It was just the holidays, she reminded herself. This time of year was always depressing.

At almost eight, there was a buzz on the intercom. It was probably Natasha since Steve had said he had an errand to run before he came over. Maria walked to the intercom and, as she answered Natasha’s call, she unconsciously straightened the pencil drawing of Steve’s she had framed and hung by the door, then she let Natasha in and opened her apartment door.

Natasha was just getting settled when there was another buzz and Maria smiled. Natasha gave her an odd look.

“Oh, Steve’s coming over too,” she said, trying to be nonchalant.

The glare that earned her didn’t bode well, she worried.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Maria said. “He’s a nice guy.”

Natasha only rolled her eyes and opened the refrigerator and looked inside.

Maria opened the door for Steve and was surprised to see him standing there holding a small fir tree.

“Merry Christmas,” he said and his smile was brighter than any she’d ever seen on him.

“Merry Christmas,” she replied and let him into the apartment.

“I didn’t assume you’d have any of the trimmings here,” he said as he pointed behind him at a large bag still in the hallway.

“Steve,” she admonished. “You didn’t have to do this.”

He set the tree in a space in front of her living room window and turned back to her and smiled at her in the way she’d seen a lot since Hawaii.

“Yeah, I did,” he said, his voice low and something about it caused a thrill to go up Maria’s spine.

“Nice tree, Rogers,” Natasha said as she walked into the room from the kitchen.

Steve nearly jumped in surprise, which was unusual.

“Natasha,” he gasped. “What are you doing here?”

Natasha jerked her head toward Maria.

“I was invited,” she said.

Steve cleared his throat and if Maria had to give a name to the look on his face it would be disappointment.

“Of course,” he said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so rude. I was just surprised. I didn’t know anyone else was here.”

Maria wasn’t sure why but Steve began to blush. Was that good sign? She’d never actually tried to do something like this before.

It didn’t take her long to realize that it hadn’t been a good sign. Steve was far more reserved this evening than he’d ever been. He wasn’t rude, and Maria hoped Natasha didn’t notice since she didn’t spend a lot of time around him the way Maria did. But he wasn’t his usual self and, even though he seemed to warm up to Natasha’s presence as the night wore on, Maria ended up feeling guilty.

Natasha left after they had decorated the tree. And Maria turned back to Steve.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know having her here would be a problem.”

Steve looked at her in surprise.

“It was fairly obvious,” she told him. “You really aren’t very good at hiding your feelings or faking ones that you don’t have.”

The way Steve looked at her when she told him that made Maria feel warmer than the sweater she had on did. But she ignored it. No good came from reading into reactions in her personal life, that was something she left at work.

“It’s just that it’s Christmastime and Natasha didn’t really have anyone, I just thought, well, since you’re always alone,” Maria tried to make the inference as casually as she could but she determined then that this matchmaking business was better left to people who understood romance.

Steve furrowed his brow as he looked at her.

“You know, I’m not always alone, now,” he said.

Maria refused to acknowledge that the biting disappointment she felt with those words was anything more than her matchmaking being a resounding failure. He hadn’t mentioned anyone new in his life and Maria was a bit surprised. But Steve suddenly caught on to what she’d been doing tonight and reacted.

“Wait, were you trying to fix up me with Natasha?” Steve look horrified.

Maria just shrugged.

Steve groaned.

“Never gonna happen,” he said.

“Why not?” Maria asked.

“I don’t trust her,” he admitted.

That surprised Maria.

“But I thought,” she started then stopped, then settled on, “Why not?”

“She lies far too much,” he said.

Maria gave him a confused look.

“She’s a spy, Steve,” she reminded him.

Steve just shook his head.

“I’m a spy, Steve,” Maria said and with that admission she realized the secrets she kept from Steve were the types that would turn him away from her one day. Coulson, Project Insight. G-d, that damned project. Maria had wanted to talk to him about it so many times, to go over her concerns about it with him. She knew he’d have the same and it would just be nice to have at least one person in her corner on this. She’d managed to get a failsafe put in on each ship, but otherwise, this thing was too huge, too out of control. She hated it. And now she hated it more. The situation with Coulson, Steve might forgive. But this? No, once Steve learned about Insight…

His touch on her shoulder interrupted her thoughts and she turned back to him.

“It’s different,” Steve said.

Maria shook her head.

“No, it’s the same, we do the same things pretty much,” Maria told him. “I’m just not out in the field like she is.”

“She never questions Fury,” he said. “You question.”

Maria gave Steve a hard look.

“Steve, she owes the man her life,” she reminded him. “When Barton brought her in, she was still wanted dead, not alive. It didn’t matter that Clint had spared her, or that Coulson went to bat for him. In the end, Fury still had say over whether she lived or died.”

Steve leaned back on the sofa and sighed loudly.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s just…”

He stopped to collect his thoughts and Maria waited.

“I know it’s not going to be like it was,” he said. “But some days I have no idea who the enemy is. What are we even fighting for?”

Maria was very glad she’d decided to stop at one beer this evening or his words would definitely have had an effect on her, one she wouldn’t have been happy with in the morning.

“I think we’re just trying to maintain a semblance of peace, most days,” she explained.

In weeks to come Maria would look back at this moment as the one when she should have ended everything. She should have explained that because of the secrets she had to keep, because of the way everything was so black and white to him when her world had to be grey, they really shouldn’t be friends.

But Steve turned to her and gave her that smile again and she couldn’t do it. Maybe if they were only friends, it wouldn’t hurt so badly when it inevitably crashed and burned.

* * *

It was two days before Christmas and Maria found herself, almost for the first time, looking forward to it. She and Steve were going to have a Christmas movie marathon to catch him up on all the holiday films he’d missed and Maria felt strangely normal. A few times she’d caught herself almost smiling at work thinking about it.

She was in Fury’s office and he was explaining some problems with a possible leak in their office in The Netherlands. It all sounded pretty standard as far as what was necessary and Maria was calculating how soon after Christmas she’d leave when Nick dropped the news on her.

“It would be best if you could get on a flight this afternoon,” he said. “That’ll put you there first thing in their morning.”

Maria nodded in agreement but she felt a pang of regret that she had to cancel with Steve. It must have shown in her face because Fury questioned her.

“That a problem, Hill?” he asked.

“No sir,” she replied.

“Good,” he said and waved his hand to indicate she was dismissed. “Have a good trip, Hill.”

“Thank you, sir,” Maria said, then turned and left for her office.

When she returned to her office, she shut the door and let out a sigh. Maybe things had gone too far with Rogers. She’d felt regret at having to cancel plans before, but her regret was getting more serious. She’d actually allowed something to show in front of Fury. He might be OK, but she couldn’t let slip around anyone else.

She sat at her desk and pulled out her phone to call Steve. He picked up on the second ring.

“Hey,” he answered. “How’s work?”

“Well, it’s apparently in Holland,” she said, trying to make light of the situation.

“Tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m afraid so,” she said.

“That’s OK,” he said. “I do understand.”

And that almost made it worse. At least if he complained about it, she’d have an excuse to end things. She mentally scrambled to back track that thought. There were no “things” between her and Steve. They were friends, just friends. Feeling her nerves settle back down she continued.

“I’m sorry about missing Christmas,” she said.

“We’ll just do it when you get back,” he said.

They said their goodbyes and there was nothing to them, just two friends who wouldn’t see each other for a while.

On Christmas morning there was a knock at her hotel room door. Maria was nearly dressed to leave for the office and opened to find a delivery boy with a decorated potted Christmas tree. She smiled broadly because she knew who it was from, then she signed for it and set it on the table next to the window.

There was a note attached, and it was from Steve as she suspected, telling her to call when she received the tree.

“Isn’t it past your bedtime, Captain?” she joked when he answered.

“Don’t worry, I was in bed when Santa got here,” he laughed.

“It’s beautiful,” she said. “Thank you.”

They were silent for a minute and Maria wondered what Steve was thinking, she could hear he was still on the line though so she waited.

Finally, she heard him take a deep breath and he spoke again.

“I wish you could have been here,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” she told him, and she was. She would have much rather been spending the night with him. Maria looked up at the ceiling and was glad she’d kept that thought in her own head.

“I know you have to do your job, and I wouldn’t ever want you to change that,” he explained. “I just wish I could see you on Christmas.”

Maria felt bad. He was alone again. She knew he would visit Peggy but that was always so painful for him.

They said their goodbyes and Maria promised to call as soon as she was heading back to the states.

She didn’t have time to talk with Steve the rest of the week. It hadn’t turned out to be a leak so much as it was the agents in The Netherlands office were just really sloppy. She wondered if this wasn’t where SHIELD sent agents who couldn’t cut it but no one had the guts to fire. She’d already begun the latter, starting with the head of the office.

It was New Years’ Eve and she had forced everyone in the office to work, simply so they could catch up on the backlog their laziness had allowed to pile up. She had planned to work anyway so it made no never mind to her. And, maybe, she was actually enjoying their complaints because it helped her decide who was going to have a job by the end of the next week and who wouldn’t.

She had just walked out of her office when her mind registered that there was something wrong. She wasn’t quite sure what it was, but it was entirely too quiet. She turned back into her office and set down the data pad she was holding just inside the door, then she pulled out her gun and slowly walked down the hallway. She was almost to the corner when she heard someone cry out and a gunshot went off. She quickly turned the corner and fired a shot at a man holding a gun and standing over one of her techs, then all hell really did break loose.

She had taken out only one gunman and now it sounded as if there was a gun battle in the control room. She ran quickly toward it, stepping over the two bodies in the hallway. She didn’t have time to wonder why no alarm had been sounded or why no one had even bothered to fire off a shot before her involvement in the hallway.

By the time she reached the room, the gun shots had stopped. She knew that meant nothing so she proceeded with caution. When she stepped into the room with her gun drawn she saw that the enemy already had disarmed the agents it the room. One of the men grabbed an agent who was seated nearby and held her in front of him, his gun pointed to her head. He’d had the sense to cover himself with her body well, so there was no clear shot with a handgun. And, even if Maria had gotten the shot off, no one on her so-called team was armed so it would be her against at least five that she could see.

She lowered her gun and the man told her to put it on the ground and kick it away. Another of the masked men picked it up and tucked it away. Someone pushed her from behind as the apparent leader pushed the woman away from him.

He pulled off his mask when she approached, but Maria didn’t recognize him at all. She listened to him rant for a minute about her killing one of his men, then explained he’d already killed the two guards by the entrance and two agents during the gun battle.

When she refused to respond he slapped her across the face with the back of his hand.

“I want you to get a video feed up to make a call to your Director Fury,” he said, his voice heavily accented and Maria wanted to guess Lithuanian. “I want him to see what we are capable of.”

Maria was fairly certain that taking out the weakest SHIELD office was not going to impress Fury in the least, but she complied. When she got Nick online, the leader pushed her aside toward one of his men who held her in the background, his weapon pointed at her head.

While the leader told Nick his demands, Maria tried to assess the situation as well as she could. She was down five people, they were only down one. She had to wonder if any of her agents even knew how to shoot. If they lived through this she was going to fire the whole lot.

Her attention was drawn back to the leader when he began to explain what he planned to do with Maria and the others if Fury and SHIELD didn’t comply with their demands. It was the usual killing and torture. While SHIELD did not negotiate with terrorists, Maria did wonder if this post was worth an extraction team.

The leader wandered back toward her as he spoke on. He suddenly paused as he looked at her. Then he smiled and Maria knew he realized who she was, namely, not just some small time office manager.

“I ask you, Director Fury, what you would do for your lap dog here?” the man asked.

Maria felt her jaw clench. That was something people simply never said in front of her if they wanted to leave in one piece.

“I think we might have a very good time with her if you wait too long,” he sneered.

The man who held the gun to her head laughed and put his arm around her waist then allowed his hand to drift up to her breast. Maria normally wouldn’t have reacted but she had already determined from the look Nick had given her earlier there wasn’t a high chance he’d be getting an extraction team in for them in time. She quickly raised her elbow to his chest and hit back hard while she grabbed the hand that was around her and twisted his wrist hard enough to hear it crack, then, for good measure, she kicked him hard in the neck as he fell to the ground and he let out a gurgling sound before he breathed his last.

Under normal procedure, she would have expected at least one other agent to make a move at this point; however, that wasn’t going to happen here and before Maria could turn around, she felt the butt of a rifle hit her head.

She was roused by a large cup of ice water thrown in her face, followed by several slaps. She looked at the clock on the wall and was relived to find she’d only been out for one minute. Two of the men were pulling her to her feet and a third brought out zip ties and bound her wrists behind her, and then bound her ankles together.

Maria looked around the room in disgust. The majority of their captors had their attention on her and not one person had moved.

Did they not train these people? she thought, angrily. If they lived through this now she might just light a match to the building.

“So Deputy Director Maria Hill lives up to her reputation,” the leader was in her face now but Maria didn’t flinch, she only stared straight ahead and ignored the throbbing in her head.

“We’ll see how stoic you can be when you come to the end,” he threatened.

They left her standing on her feet that way as they waited for Fury and SHIELD to respond to their demands.

Five hours later she'd already run every scenario in her head trying to figure out how to end this hostage situation with a win and minimal losses. Maria was pissed. The enemy had all the advantages, which is probably why they chose this facility and was certainly why they kept a close eye on her. The only thing in her favor at the moment was they wanted attention and money, not death and martyrdom. They might be persuaded to delay.   
  
The leader was waving his gun in her face making obscene declarations of what he planned to do to her if they didn’t hear back from SHIELD, when Maria heard the quiet "plink-whir" of one of Hawkeye's arrows being released. The leader stood still, a surprised look on his face, before crumbling onto the floor. Maria saw a note on the shaft of the arrow protruding from his back.  
  
"Duck, Maria. Sorry."   
  
Maria attempted to leap away from the man, but most of her distance was gained only when the explosion from the arrow pushed her, and far too many pieces of her captor, across the room. She hit the wall with her shoulder and fell to the ground. By the time she looked up, Steve and Clint had taken care of the terrorists, though Maria wasn't sure the loss tally.  
  
In a moment, Steve was leaning over her, the fear in his eyes made her nervous.   
  
"Maria, where are you hurt?" he asked in a rush.  
  
"Mostly in my pride," she grumbled. She didn’t need Steve hovering over her like some mother hen. "Would you get these damned zip-ties off me?"  
  
He snapped them easily then took her wrists in his hands and rubbed the red marks. Maria glanced around the room quickly then jerked her hands away from his.  
  
"I'm fine," she said, a hard edge in her voice. What was he thinking? This was already a hell of a mess for her, she didn't need people talking. But when she looked up at him, she saw him try and fail to mask the hurt her words caused. She felt terrible.   
  
He stood and offered a hand up. Anyone else Maria would have refused, but at this moment she felt as if she owed Steve that much.

An hour later, Maria stood in her make-shift office, the blood and body pieces washed off, a clean SHIELD uniform on, her hair was washed and pulled back into its usual work-style. There was a knock at the door and she called for the person to enter. She glanced up briefly and saw Steve with a file in his hand, his report presumably. She looked back down at her data pad expecting their usual brief words. When he didn’t say anything after a moment, she finally spoke.

“Is that your report, Captain?” she asked.

“Yes,” was all he said. It sounded strangled, and there was no ma’am afterwards.

“Leave it on the desk, Captain,” she said, not moving her eyes from the pad. She would deal with his unusual behavior later if it was still bothering her, she thought, as she heard the door click shut. She set the pad down, intending to pick up Steve’s report and read it.

Without any warning she felt a strong hand on her shoulder and looked up in surprise just as Steve turned her and pulled her into his arms, he was so fast she barely caught a glimpse of his face before he crushed his lips to hers. Her first thought was that this absolutely could not happen. She was still telling herself that as her arms slid up his chest, across his shoulders, around his neck, and into his hair. His tongue slid across her lips and she opened for him as he pressed her against the desk. Her mind was screaming for her to stop this insanity from going on for one more second but her body shut her mind down and took control. And, oh, it felt good. His hands held her tightly across her back, his hair between her fingers made her hunger for more, his tongue moved fluidly against hers making her flush with thoughts of all the things she’d wanted but forced herself to deny. He wanted them too. He wanted her as much as she wanted him and, really, she couldn’t remember the last time something felt so good.

They finally had to come up for air and Maria gasped for breath as she slid her hands back around to his chest. Steve rested his forehead to hers, his breath shuddering in his chest, her name whispered across his lips like a mantra. Maria felt heady with this drug that Steve Rogers apparently was to her system.

“I can’t let this happen again,” he said. Maria’s throat constricted with the painful emotion his words created. But he was right, he was more grounded apparently than she. It couldn’t happen again, and dammit that hurt.

“I can’t just wait around, hoping for the right time to tell you how I feel, to act on those feelings,” he said. “There’s never going to be a perfect moment and, Maria, I don’t want to be sitting at your bedside wishing I’d said all the things I’d meant to say, regretting never letting you know what I felt, how much you mean to me.”

Maria pulled back to look up at him. He hadn’t been saying what she’d thought. He’d been thinking about Peggy. They never talked about her, Maria never pushed. She could imagine how much the loss had hurt Steve, but why he would ever categorize her that way…

“Stop,” he interrupted her thoughts and Maria gave him a surprised look. “Don’t doubt yourself, don’t doubt your worth to me. I’ve thought about this, and how I was going to tell you, so many times. I was waiting for the right moment, but the right moment doesn’t exist for people like us.”

Steve leaned down again and pressed his lips to hers for a far slower, softer kiss, but it still had the same effect on Maria. Her hands slid up around his neck and his slipped down to her hips. Maria wasn’t sure how long they kissed like that, but when the inevitable knock at the door interrupted them, Maria’s entire body was warm and lax and she was glad for the excuse of the strain of the days’ events for a reason to be distracted in the ensuing conversation with the agent who had interrupted them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said in the notes of the previous chapter, the next chapter will change the rating of this story to M. It's not super smutty and I will mark it off so you can skip it if you'd like. But I thought I should give them a little fun before I completely mess up their lives...again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria tries to figure out where she lost control as the inevitable finally happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, finally, here it is. The last chapter of this part of the story. It gave me serious trouble until I finally figured out that my problem was I simply couldn't, under my current circumstances, bring myself to write the break-up scene. I know, I need help, but that's a pretty established fact by now. :D
> 
> Anyway...This is told mostly in flashbacks (in italics). The break-up is going to just be assumed at this point. I had also started another chapter while I was working out this one. It was supposed to be Maria's POV during TWS, but, as always, it became a story unto itself. Not sure when/if it will be published. I have another story after this that I'd like to finish before May1 and the MCU screws up my headcannon again. :D We'll see.
> 
> Also, this has been upped to M, though it's not really super-M, just a brief scene at the beginning. I've marked it off so if you want to skip it you can.

February 18, 2014, 2am

Maria lay on her bed in her darkened bedroom and stared into the blackness wondering when she had lost her perspective. It was long before three nights ago when Steve was with her in this room and they nearly consummated their relationship. 

<M>  
  
_They stumbled into the room in their attempt to walk and undress each other at the same time. Maria's breath hitched in her throat when Steve pulled off her shirt and gazed at her, scars and all, with wonder and raw need. Then his lips were hard against hers as his hands reached around and fumbled with the clasp on her bra._  
  
_He pulled it off then pressed his bare chest against hers as he wrapped his arms around her and moaned against her lips._  
  
_They fell into her bed and she pushed him onto his back so she could straddle his hips in the way she'd longed to do for months. His gasp and the look of pure pleasure on his face made the wait worth every second._  
  
_No one had ever looked at her the way he was looking at her, need laced with something more, something pure, something she was terrified to give a name to but powerless to stop._  
  
_He skimmed his hands from her hips along her scarred abdomen then gently grasped her breasts. Maria found it hard breathe as his thumbs moved across her nipples. She moaned his name as she ground against him. She had never wanted this as badly as she did this night, with him._  
  
_She slid her hand down between them and Steve moaned then suddenly flipped her so he was over her._  
  
_Maria laughed._  
  
_"Oh, you think this is funny?" Steve said, his voice thick with desire as he buried his face against her neck then slowly kissed his way down her chest to take one breast with his mouth, the other with his hand._  
  
_Maria wasn't entirely sure what she thought it was, but she had never laughed in this situation before. Sex had always been about some physical need she had. Enjoying it simply meant the guy was good enough to get her off._  
  
_But that wasn't what was happening between she and Steve. It never had._  
  
_Her hands were in his hair and Steve slowly began to move down, kissing her scars as if they were some beautiful part of her, not something to be ignored and avoided._  
  
_It was then that she felt it again, that feeling that had been growing, demanding her attention. The emotions that Steve had somehow been able to tap into, that she had always kept under tight control, began to surface and, if Maria wasn't careful, she knew she would soon drown in this. The most surprising part was that she didn't care. She wanted it, wanted everything he was offering her._  
  
_She felt him slide his hand into her waist band and unsnap her pants. He placed a kiss there then lower and lower as he slowly unzipped her pants. Maria's body burned with need as it never had. She wanted all of this more than the air she was breathing in desperate gasps._  
  
_He began to slide his hand inside her panties and Maria reacted with an involuntary jerk of her hips and a quiet cry._  
  
_"Is that what you want?" Steve whispered breathlessly._  
  
_Maria wasn't sure she had the wherewithal left to answer even a simple question like that coherently. But the decision was taken out of her hands when they heard her phone ring from the other room._  
  
_She felt Steve let out a frustrated puff of air across her hip as she clenched her jaw in what was becoming an increasingly regular frustration._

</ M>  
  
_"I'll get your phone,” Steve said._  
  
_She watched him leave and had to bite back the words that would make him stop._  
  
_When he returned, Steve grumbled Fury's name like a curse and handed her the phone._  
  
_"Hill," she answered in her usual tone._  
  
_"I need you here in DC," he said, as always without preamble._  
  
_"I'll be there by eight," she said, though she knew full well he wasn't calling to confirm her already scheduled trip._  
  
_"What the hell's wrong with you. Hill?" he asked, but Maria knew it was a rhetorical question._  
  
_"When, sir?" she asked struggling not to sound angry._

 _"Four hours," he told her._  
  
_Maria bit back a remark she knew she'd regret._  
  
_"Yes, sir," she replied, then hung up the phone._  
  
_She set the phone on the bedside table and released a frustrated sigh. Usually, a call from work while she was with a guy was a relief, an excuse to distance herself or to just get away. With Steve things were different. With Steve the interruptions were annoyances._  
  
_She felt his lips on her shoulder then he turned her face toward his._  
  
_"It's OK," he said. "I understand.”_  
  
_She stared at him for a moment before she shook her head and sat up._  
  
_"Some days, I don't think you are real, Rogers," she told him._  
  
_She could tell he was smiling behind her, that she knew that unnerved her only slightly._  
  
_"Same goes for you, Commander," he replied and Maria chuckled at the smirk she heard in his voice._  
  
_She pulled her uniform out of her closet and fought back the warmth the knowledge that Steve was watching her dress created._  
  
_When she finished, she walked into the bathroom to finish preparing to leave. By the time she was ready, Steve had re-dressed and was waiting in the living room._  
  
_He pulled her into his embrace and kissed her slowly before they walked to the door._  
  
_"See you in a few days," he told her._  
  
A few days, Maria thought. The next time she saw Steve would be nothing like the last. It never should have been. She should have had more self-control. Why hadn't she?

It wasn’t Copenhagen.   
  
_"What's this for?" Maria asked as Steve pulled a yellow hibiscus flower out from its hiding place under his coat._  
  
_"It's the four month anniversary of our first kiss," he said, his smile playful as she laughed at his sappiness._  
  
_"I should have known you'd be a mushy guy," she rolled her eyes, but she took the flower and walked into the kitchen to get a cup of water to place it in._  
  
_"It's hardly our fourth anniversary, however," she told him._  
  
_"Sure it is," Steve took her hand and pulled her into his arms then placed a kiss on her cheek before he trailed his lips down to her neck._  
  
_"Four months ago I finally worked up the nerve to kiss you while we were in Hawaii," he told her._  
  
_She pulled away and gave him an incredulous look._  
  
_"That was not our first kiss, our first kiss was in Copenhagen," she reminded him._  
  
_He shook his head before he replied._  
  
_"Not likely. Our first kiss was in Hawaii," he rebutted._  
  
_"That was a cover kiss," she said._  
  
_"Not for me it wasn't," he said, then he cupped her face and leaned in to kiss her in the same soft way he had in Hawaii._  
  
It was long before Hawaii.   
  
_Maria opened the door of the apartment to a sheepish looking Steve Rogers and wondered why she had allowed him into the building. She was only inviting trouble, knowing how long she'd been attracted to him and how inebriated she was at the moment._  
  
_But she stepped back and allowed him access, and she knew it was to more than the room, and the next morning when she found him in her kitchen, she knew she had already taken too many steps in the wrong direction. But she didn't stop it, she didn't even want to stop it. Because it was just so nice to have someone in her corner, someone who respected her and she could respect in return._  
  
Maria wasn't stupid, she'd figured out quickly who was straightening the pencils and papers. She'd ignored it, it really was just something Captain America would do. But she couldn't ignore the growing respect she had for him, the sense of loyalty that was slowly becoming a part of her.  
  
_"Save some for Rogers," Fury interrupted her remarks._  
  
_"Excuse me, sir?" Maria didn't understand._  
  
_"Save something for him to say when he hears about this and comes to chew my ass out," Fury said. "I get tired of hearing the same speech twice."_  
  
_"I don't think I understand," Maria said, now wary._  
  
_"You and Rogers," he replied. "It's like you're a tag team."_  
  
_Maria only shook her head._  
  
_"Deny it all you want but I'm never stationing the two of you together," he said. "I hate to imagine what my life would become if you two were together all the time. Some days you're like a mini-version of the man."_  
  
_At that, Maria rolled her eyes. But in her mind she had wondered if that wasn't the nicest compliment she'd ever received._  
  
Now, as Maria lay here, she realized it was that long ago, only months after New York, that she had begun to think of a fellow SHIELD agent as something more. It wasn't just the knowledge that they took a similar stance on issues within SHIELD, it was the fact that he respected her authority when other, far more modern, men could not. It was more than the stupid pencils, it was that he viewed her as someone important, someone who mattered. That had never been a deal for her before. She had never cared. But that Steve thought more of her, that he understood her, _that_ mattered.   
  
And now it couldn't. Now, with the knowledge Fury dumped on her in the early hours of February 15, nothing she felt for Steve, nothing he felt for her, could matter again.  
  
_"Sir, I think we should..."_  
  
_"If you say, 'Bring Rogers in on this,'" Nick cut her off. "I swear I'm gonna demote you to janitorial duty."_  
  
_"Sir, I just..."_  
  
_"Look, I know this has nothing to do with your relationship with the man," Fury cut her off again, and Maria steadied her gaze, hoping to give nothing away._

 _"Don't look at me like that," Fury said. "I know you well enough by now to know that something has been going on between you for a while."_  
  
_Maria bit back the desire to defend herself by saying it had only been a month and a half._  
  
_Nick sighed and shook his head._  
  
_"I don't suspect you are compromised, " he assured her. "I would have said something already if I did."_  
  
_He stared at her a moment before he continued._  
  
_"You had to realize that at some point there'd be a conflict," Fury said. "You're level 10, he's level 8. Eventually something like this would come up."_  
  
_Maria nodded slightly as the thoughts of Project Insight she'd forced her mind to dance around since Copenhagen now refused to be ignored._  
  
_But this was bigger than Project Insight. This was, if all these dots connected the way it appeared, ..._  
  
_"We should put Insight on hold for the time being, " Maria finally said._  
  
_Nick looked at her exactly the way she expected._  
  
_"We need to move forward now more than ever, Hill," he said. "I don't understand how you can see it differently. "_  
  
_"Sir, if SHIELD is compromised at any level, then Insight is compromised as well."_  
  
_"Insight goes forward," he said with finality. "I need you to research more of these ops and get back to me ASAP."_  
  
_Maria nodded, then stood to leave. The question of why this couldn't have waited a few hours unasked. It didn't matter now. In fact it had probably been for the best._  
  
_She returned to her office to begin her assignment, which, in her opinion, had to begin by ending things with Steve._  
  
Now, as she faced the inevitable the next day, Maria felt the weight of what had to be the most foolish and selfish decision she'd ever made. She could try to justify it, tell herself she was just human after all, or that she had been so overwhelmed by the idea that someone like Steve Rogers could have any interest in someone like her. It didn’t matter. She should never have allowed any of this to happen. She should never have let Steve think of her as more than his superior at SHIELD. 

Maria turned over and, with deep, steady breaths, tried to control the emotions that were, again, threatening at the thought of what she was going to do to Steve. No one had ever been able to get to her the way he had. She’d never allowed anyone in this deeply, so far that he could draw feelings out of her that she normally pushed aside, never to be dealt with. But Steve was a different kind of man and Maria reacted to him in a different way.

 Still, she thought, as she pulled the pillow over her head and allowed a single tear to escape, she should never have allowed herself to fall in love with the man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote the first story in this series, "Too Busy," I liked the idea of Maria falling in love with Steve first. It's not the usual course we Captain Hill shippers take, but I thought that I could see how someone like Maria would see Steve for all he was and understand the significance of his romantic attentions. And that those attentions would cause her to feel love for him, even if she felt herself unlovable. 
> 
> I have one more one shot that I had intended to use as an epilogue to this story but I just don't think it's working that way. So now I have to find another title. :D
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed this story. And, hopefully, I'll be able to finish up what I have of this series before D-Day (ie May 1). :)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I'm not entirely sure how many chapters this will be. It really depends on how I think the story is best separated since I originally wrote it as only two chapters. :)
> 
> In regards to my WiPs, which were all pretty much lost back in October, I am about ready to attempt to tackle the HIMYM chapters, but the Fallout story is giving me grief. I thought the latter would be the easiest because it's my normal style of writing (ie angst-filled) but my mind is having trouble getting back to the place to write it. I'm an "emotional" writer, or what is known as a "pantser," which means I just write and it all flows, usually from whatever emotion I'm experiencing at the time. I think I will try story mapping since I know where it was going and everything that was going to happen, then see how it goes. It's just really difficult to rewrite all those works, especially knowing it doesn't end there because I had another story in my "Shape of Us" series that I lost as well. :/
> 
> In other news, I've lost all my afternoon writing time for pretty much forever, that will cause a delay in chapters as well. I do have two weeks off with the kids over Christmas, but after that, well, life is going to get hairy for a while. :( I am encouraged, though, because there are so many new stories, and even some authors, that I still need to go through from November. Yay, Captain Hill shippers. :) And, finally, speaking of Captain Hill shippers, there is now a Captain Hill tea at Adagio Teas, created by "soufflesimmons." I received my first box yesterday and it is very pleasant. I seem to have lost my infuser somewhere (it's probably in the toy chest) so I need a new one to make it properly, but it came out very good. I do recommend it if you like a nice cup of tea. :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [My Courage Left On the First Train](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2773898) by [ReginaRiverMayHill (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ReginaRiverMayHill)




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